“They say I’m crazy, but I don’t give a damn, that’s my prerogative…”
That was my sentiment last week.
This week I realize that my manifesting craziness is trying to tell me something…
I’m very sensitive these days and I observe in myself that I’m nearly constantly looking for any reason to ‘get out my reaction’. I’ve been practicing meditation for years and feel I have cleared up quite a bit about my past and rarely have emotional outbursts, so this behavior is also surprising to see in myself. I see that I still have emotional reactions, which might last a day or two, but these have been with diminished frequency over the years. I know that these ‘flare-ups’ happen when one becomes identified with the thoughts and feelings going on within the personality. I sense that because the hormones are declining rapidly and energy is being freed up then this is what is provoking more frequent outbursts. Apparently one needs to build up enough inner tension or frustration from failed expectations before it is provoked in a more natural way from one’s daily life.
What are Hot-Flashes?
This week, I’ve been watching the hot flashes during meditation and I notice a few things about them. The first times I had hot flashes during meditation I was only identifying with the symptom of feeling very hot and found them annoying and distracting to my practice and only wanted them to go away. When they started to get bad, then I started to investigate in the Internet about what they were but I couldn’t find much about it, so I decided to observe them and find out for myself. Having the question about what they are, I was then interested to just watch them and not identify with it and react. The first thing I noticed is that the energy slowly rises from the base of the spine and so I think it is kundalini energy which makes very much sense that it is sexual energy being released. I would like to look more into this aspect and maybe someone might know more the role that kundalini energy might be having here.
I’ve noticed that the hot-flashes occur regularly throughout the 24 hour day, occurring around every 30 minutes. They last about two to three minutes in length. First I feel energy or heat rising from the perineum area or the base of my spine then it moves slowly up into my head, which is when I feel the most discomfort. Immediately after that, I sweat and then I cool down. The second thing I noticed is that the heat being generated caused my body to release stored tension, almost like getting a massage: I heard crackling in various joints and felt areas of my body with chronic muscle stiffness relaxing. Now that I see that hot-flashes have benefits and are there for a reason, I see how important it is to not suppress them.
I think it’s common knowledge these days that when one has a temperature then it’s because the body is fighting infection and one should not take an aspirin to reduce the body temperature because it then is hindering the body’s own healing process. So far in all the investigations I’ve went into of various symptoms, I haven’t found one yet that makes sense to suppress. It is absurd that this is the predominant healing sentiment of our days, to suppress and eliminate symptoms – never bothering to find out what might be the cause or if the symptom might actually be beneficial and thus harmful to the system to suppress it. I haven’t thought about it enough yet, but I think eventually I’ll come to the conclusion that there is no symptom that should be suppressed or eliminated.
The most we can do with a symptom is to observe it and find out what is the underlying cause or what our body is trying to tell us about our system via it’s visible sign. Then ‘to heal’ we have to do the next step and ‘make the change’ being asked for according to what knowledge we gleaned from our investigation regarding the symptom. Heh! We are the director after all – aren’t we? It is now obvious to me that ‘hot-flashes’ are beneficial for the body and they should not be suppressed but rather ridden through. Having more precise information makes them easy to tolerate, first because you know they are beneficial then you can welcome them and second knowing they are short lived you realize you can easily stay with it and don’t have to fight it or run away for such a short amount of time.
The other thing that came to me is that old emotional patterns are stored in our body since the early days of our life. These patterns we adopted at a certain time as a means to defend ourselves when we felt threatened in some way in our ability to survive probably when we were very young. So at the time they served us, but holding onto them throughout our lifetimes and reacting over and over again through them, eventually causes built up stress and tension in those areas of the body that also correspond with the emotional defense pattern. I can see that these emotional patterns are stored in our bodies. Daily life events trigger this pattern and when there is built up enough disappointment over time, then it automatically springs back to life, like a rubber band, without our having to think about it or be conscious about it.
The problem is that this ‘emotional defense pattern’, which served us when we were young, doesn’t serve us to keep hanging onto it as we grow. Probably it gets worn out quite quick, but because we learned it so early on it is a part of us and not easily recognized by us as it’s so familiar. Repeatedly acting out of this worn out pattern causes us misery and pain, and thus ‘emotional pain’ is also the motivator for us to drop it and adapt to new circumstances presenting in our lives. This emotional defense pattern is complex and composed of thoughts, feelings and images as well as bodily expression. These thoughts and feelings express themselves together with parts of our body. Our heart might race, we might tense our shoulders, we might swallow hard, we might hold our breath, we might arch our back, etc. Over time with many repetitions of this response pattern, it eventually causes a blockage or stress onto those parts of the body that are involved in the repeated defensive posture. Later on this can lead to more serious disease in another part of our system either because of the stress or because energy can’t move freely through the tensed part. Probably also many people know that having tension in one part of the body can cause a problem in another part, seemingly unrelated. So one might have a bunion on one’s toe, and then it ends up that one’s posture is affected, then one’s spine and then one might end up with chronic migraines and wonder what is the cause never suspecting the tension in the toe.
What is interesting to note is that all the crazy ‘flare-ups’ I’ve had always has exactly the same underlying theme. In the past I had these flare-ups but because they were so infrequent then I didn’t have as much opportunity to look at them more near to see the reason behind. Now that they are occurring nearly every day, probably because of the hormone changes happening with menopause, t gives a great opportunity to take a deeper look at them.
So then observing the hot-flash tonight I saw how it was healing, the energy being freed by the cessation of menses was being redirected and used by my body to clear out muscle tension and energy blockages I was holding in my body. This also now explains for me the ‘crazy behavior’ that is so often seen with menopause. The hot-flash is in essence releasing the stored defense pattern, bringing it to the surface to be healed. What I see is the same pattern being acted out by myself over and over again in the last 3 weeks. It is repeated around every other day and I can hardly believe I keep getting sucked into it… The other thing that I realize about it is, that one will not get a transformative benefit unless one actively engages in this process. This is another very good reason not to suppress the symptoms that are being provoked during menopause, because if you do then you miss the opportunity to discover something about yourself. This emotional defense pattern is no longer needed and so all the elements about it that are stored physically in your body are being released, but to have a lasting benefit one must look at the reaction and understand it gaining self-knowledge about yourself and how your are using this pattern to protect your self-image. This period of time allows one to become conscious of a pattern that normally would stay hidden. Once you know about it, then you can recognize it when it manifests and instead of reacting and getting lost in it, you can step out of it and drop it, realizing you don’t need it anymore. So menopause symptoms are a creative opportunity for transformation, but only if you are actively engaged in the process.