Question: I think I am so afraid of how awful both I and others are! I don’t know if that’s a fear thing, an unworthy thing, I truly want faith in a loving universe again, I bought into the “struggle for survival”. I guess I’m afraid I am evil and that others are evil! That if I relax or have self-confidence I will be a complete sociopath monster! Everyone says I’m okay and all these good things but I’m very afraid if I think I am these good things people will then change and think of me as a monster!!!
In regards to the fear of being crazy by asking Am I crazy or evil, I feel it is good you have it. I mean it is better to have the concern over it, than to not have the concern. Before awakening spiritually, EVERYONE is in a way ‘crazy’. Crazy, because the mind-chatter is going on non-stop in non-awakened people, as a kind of ‘never ending story’. Then we believe our story we are telling ourselves about the world and others and ourselves is ‘truth’, and that is crazy. Most non-awakened people do not consider they may be thinking crazy, which is crazy. The first moment of sanity is seeing your own craziness. If you do not know something is broken, you cannot fix it. Alternatively, if you are not aware of something, then it is like invisible. See the crazy symptoms arising now as real, and as a blessing. Because you can SEE them, you are aware there is a problem and now you have the OPPORTUNITY to get out of the non-awakened state and awaken.
I know about this, because I have done it. With hindsight, I saw my craziness as a blessing. Feeling I was crazy was the beacon that led me out of the darkness of being trapped in the mind-chatter that affects most humans today. Most people do not know they are trapped in the mind-talk, when the crazy symptoms arise and unease comes and feeling of mental disease, this is exactly the moment to HEAL the problem that keeps humanity blind.
So what can you do about it? Realize the mind-talk is the source of the problem. When the mind-talk stops, when there is pure silence and no thought, the craziness disappears. The more people engage in the internal chatter, the more the crazy symptoms manifest, which is also laden with fear and strong emotions, the stronger the mind-talk gets. Conversely, the less people engage in the internal chatter, the less crazy symptoms, the less strong emotions, and clarity comes as well as rising awareness. The only tool I know to go beyond our non-awakened state is to become adept at meditation, the skill to observe our thinking and learn to silence our mind-chatter. You become skilled at this by practicing meditation each day, this allows you to become aware of the subconscious thinking that is happening in non-awakened people all day long, and allows you SLOWLY get the ability to turn it off at will when you want to. You must establish a lifelong habit, doing it each day without skipping days. It is like brushing your teeth each day to avoid cavities, make it a health habit you do not want to miss. It takes time to get used to it. Our ego will not want to do it, in the beginning you have to force yourself to do it and not listen to the ‘story’ your mind-voice gives as reasons not to do it. It takes around 3 weeks of daily meditation to start getting a result, where the mind calms, the body calms, the emotion of fear settles, and you start to gain clarity. Then you will want to continue doing it as you see it is working and can feel the benefits.
The time to act is now, as I can tell from your concern it is really bothering you. It is not so important what others think, what is most important is how you think, and there is obviously doubt and conflict, which is causing more distress. I recall when I had problem drinking and when I asked others, they would tell me I was okay, I had no drinking problem. I felt otherwise and wanted the truth. It was only when I asked my mother; she was honest with me and said she did think I had this problem. I believed her and then quit drinking.
I have a basic mediation tool on my website, yet there are others. It is good to try some methods until you find one you like, but also not to skip around and keep changing techniques. The ego loves to do that. Test out some tools, then settle on one and do it every day. It is also good to have your meditation checked by a meditation expert in the early stages, to make sure your meditation is being effective. Vipassana offers free retreats and is a very good method and way to learn in a special setting. You could also join meditation groups in your area.
I hope you understand what I am saying and do not take it personally, that you see what you need to do to get out of the mind-chatter mode or crazy thinking and awaken to your full potential.