Question: I started meditating at age 17, and at 18, I had an awakening. During it, I experienced a vision of a wall of darkness before me with the outline of a face pressing from within the wall and I was afraid of it. After this, I tapered off my practice. Now I am 30 and have not been consistent in my practice, but feel I am still evolving. Last time I meditated, that wall became visible again. My greatest fear was letting myself enter into that dark wall. I allowed myself to enter the darkness and for the first time I felt bliss, peace and a sense I was floating, but also there was the sense of spinning and falling. Now it is nearly impossible to meditate. Every time I meditate I feel sick when my vibration rises. It is like vertigo when you are drunk and it is overwhelming.
From what you write, it sounds like the meditation avoidance is due to fear of losing yourself. I guess this goes back to your first experience at age 18, and your interpretation of it at that time. It was so fearful and painful for you that you have avoided letting go for all these years that deeply again. You do that because you are afraid you will have that experience that again. It is a scary thing to let go completely, I know, I have done it and passed through this part. All kinds of strange things happen ‘in this transition state’, such as spinning, vertigo, feeling you are being swallowed, seeing weird faces, visions, geometric figures, etc. The most prevalent thing is FEELING WE ARE DYING, and that is what stops us from fully letting go.
Maybe it is helpful to tell you a few things.
You cannot die, death is an illusion, there is only transformation from one form to another. Look back as far as you can in your memories, and you may recall a time you physically died (a past life), but you can see beyond that barrier and you are alive now, then you realize you are eternally present!
When you are fully aware, fear is not present.
When fear is present, you are identified with your ego.
The ego phenomenon is not real, it only exists as a reflection of thoughts about the past or the future, it cannot exist in the present moment. The ME we are so attached to only exists due to our animation of our energy into thoughts and feelings, generating a kind of ‘phantom self’ which has FEAR of dying which is also our main motive to keep ‘the fake one’ alive. As long as we keep our focus in our mind and emotions, then it feels like we are alive as the ME. When we go deep into meditation, then the mind is still and there is no emotion. As long as we maintain that state, we are present and aware. During this quiet state, healing & transformation of mind and body is happening and then the symptoms start as described prior. Then we get afraid because we are afraid of losing ourselves or of dying and our fear make us cling to the familiar form and we are back in EGO MODE.
Know that when one thing goes away, another takes it place. To become fully aware, you must allow this transition state. You must allow the ego to die, and that happens when you can sustain the quiet mind. Yet, it is not done in one fell swoop, it is a process. If at first you do not succeed, then try try again. Every second of quiet mind COUNTS, as in that space you are transformed (light energy moves very fast…) and the next time you go to meditate you will be stronger and just a tad more aware. Each time you are more aware and stronger which allows you to let go more fully, quell your fear, go deeper and stay quiet and trust you will not die.
Each time you meditate, you will pick up where you left off last time, even if 12 years flew by. So yes, you will have to face what you were afraid of 12 years ago, it is your next hurdle, just waiting for you to be strong enough to get past it.