Longing for Love

Longing for Love

I had an experience a few months ago after understanding that “I” as an individual do not  exist, that the reality is all is One: I AM THAT I AM. Every being and everything alive has the essence of the God inside and all those beings are the same being, there are no separate individuals. After that insight I had a visceral experience of being one with everything around which lasted several days. The natural beauty that is ever-present in nature and in people suddenly popped into view.  I saw vivid colors; breathing trees, and saw how everything is intimately connected as one living whole. I also experienced my body differently, like walking happened by itself, my arm moved when needed, sensory information was amplified and filled with information. During this time I wrote several articles and poems which had the feeling they wrote themselves. I did not have to think what to write, the words just spilled out.

I also met several people. When I was in a store, I saw a little girl in a shopping cart being pushed by her mother who was in a hurry. What struck me about the little girl is she was as bright as the sun in that store full of people, she was positively shining. We were looking at each other. As the mother pushed the cart away the little girl’s eyes were blocked and then I saw her stretch around her mother so she could continue to see me. I smiled at her and waved and she smiled back and then she was gone. Later in the day while walking my dog we came upon a young man who was in great despair and was drunk and crying. When I saw him I felt an overwhelming love I could not contain, my dog also felt it. We made a beeline directly to him, introduced ourselves and started talking… It was a long chat and much sorrow and love was shared, we actually had much in common. I told him I loved him and hugged him. Before we left he asked for another hug. I have never done anything like that before, it surprised me later.

I also had conversations in the internet with three people. These are people I had been conversing with for some time. There was nothing particularly deep or profound that I felt was currently happening in these conversations. During this time period that viewpoint suddenly changed. These three people had written me and when I reviewed what they wrote, I suddenly saw what they wrote completely different. I saw profound depth in each person’s communication, like each of them was fully enlightened and what they wrote was beautiful and enlightening. I had to take a double take. How could that happen so suddenly? I had just read these words the day before and didn’t see anything special and now their words were full of love.

This period of feeling one with everything and feeling an outpouring of love all around eventually faded but the memory did not. After having the experience, I questioned it. How could it be that this love suddenly pops out in all kinds of forms: nature, people and writing? Was I truly meeting special enlightened beings in the outside world and in cyberspace and suddenly was able to see them?  After the experience I had communications with the same people again and the feeling of love disappeared.  I came to the conclusion that it had the most to do with me. When I fully let go of identity with myself there remained only SEEING with the eyes of the creator and abundant love was all around. What I was seeing in the others was myself reflected all around both in nature and in people and as it was all me (the one creator), I could not help but love it. My face is your face, and your face is mine.

When this love feeling is not fully present, I conclude it means because I am in a state of personal identity. Try as I might I cannot make this happen again and I understand why that is the case. When I try, I am focusing my attention with an intention and this by itself keeps me in identity and out of the pure state of being. I know I can’t make it happen; therefore it appears to happen only by the grace of God.

After this experience I feel more alert, calmer and more loving than I did before it, even though normal existence pales in comparison. But I don’t feel depressed by this; I accept that life is like riding a wave in the ocean. One moment you are riding on top of the wave and the next you on the bottom. Neither state is more valuable than the other; both are parts of the whole and neither state can be permanently maintained. Rising to the top of the wave you are expressing energy and falling to the bottom you are gaining it back. It seems to me the most I can do is to fully accept these changing states and not to cling to any of them. That does seem to be working in that I just feel calmer these days, not feeling so high and not feeling so low – it feels like landing in the middle or like riding the wave not being attached to the ups or downs.

Being calm is a good feeling. The main thing that disturbs my tranquility is a longing for that love that had faded from my sight but I know is ever-present in all beings and life. An outstanding question I have is if there is something I need to see or understand still or is it rather more a growing process? The latter means I just keep meditating and eventually pure seeing mode becomes the norm. For now the longing for love motivates me to continue doing my meditation and reminding me to return to silence during the day.  After writing this, the thought comes that perhaps the obstacle to seeing is the longing itself?

I just did a meditation and another possibility came to me. I recall I had experiences like this in both October and December of last year and lately I’ve been feeling an increase in energy again. I start to wonder if part of this is due to an outside influence, a growing force if you will. Given it is February, that would equate to a cosmic spike in energy vibration happening about every two months, something akin to a sun flare. Then I reason when the cosmic vibration increases, light expands into all bodies as far as it can based on the level of identity the being has with itself. Babies and drunks have something in common, they both have little self-awareness. So if a person can let go of identity when the outside forces increase then they experience love. I had the thought it is like a woman in labor giving birth to a baby, with the contractions getting closer together over time.

Betsy
February 4, 2014

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