Betsy’s Sungazing Testimonial
March 1, 2003
We (BeiYin, Betsy & Laura) started the sungazing today, 10 seconds starting today, then adding 5 seconds each day. I write it down here so I can remember how many by date. In 9 months I shouldn’t need to eat food anymore … hah!
March 7, 2003
The sun gazing continues. My eyes seem okay. I notice that I can see a yellow sun image on white backgrounds for a few minutes after. I definitely don’t want to look at the sun if it gets too high in the sky. I think it’s very important to only gaze at red/orange sun (before blue light enters) during the periods of 1 hour after sunrise and the hour before sunset. Tonight I was very tired and when I did the sun gazing it was like my energy was way up there again, like when I massage the horse. I seem more sensitive to the taste of food and don’t want so much.
Goals move one forward
giving reason to survive
optimized for growth.
Love vanishes in judgment
and returns in acceptance.
March 9, 2003
March 12, 2003
Continuing with the sungazing. My bones ache the last few days, but now it’s better. Also I am very tired and I think there is something with the sungazing healing reaction. The last two days I’ve had a terrible headache and still I’m losing my taste for some foods. Also the area in my throat below my voice box hurts some and my voice is like cracked. BeiYin has pain in this area as well. He said it’s a chakra area. My eyes seem fine. My meditation is sleepy. Tonight it was better, but also I took a 1.5 hours siesta after lunch today… I am doing 2 minutes morning and evening now, so total is 4 minutes. Maybe it’s too much to increase this fast, I don’t know for sure.
March 17, 2003
I continue with the sungazing, I don’t notice a whole lot new these days with it, just that I’m still very tired.
March 22, 2003
With the Sun gazing I had a day where I could not look at the sun. But I insisted anyway. My eyes got puffy and the after image was strong for much of the day. I see my eyelids are dry and they have some scales on them and they look red. I did not do the sungazing then for a few days. Yesterday I did it again, and it feels okay now. Today there was no sun; still my eyes are a little red but no puffiness. I think I will do it twice a day (ie, at 21 days it’s 210 seconds then doing that in both morning and evening is too much, better to stick with the suggested formula of only increasing 10 seconds each day…)
March 26, 2003
The sun gazing I find hard on my eyes if the sun is up too far. Sunrise is around 6:45 and at 7:15 I can’t take it. So I am catching the evening sun around 15 min. before sunset, which is fine. I’m starting to inhale water in my nose (neti pot); this is very good I think to clean out the sinuses. At first I was afraid to try it thinking I would drown or something, now I see it works okay and so I will do it. I see my diet is also bringing me down. When I had two good meals of fruit then I had like a diarrhea, which I could see, was cleaning out my bowels. At first I had tremendous gas and bloat, which now I know was because my large intestine was blocked. So now I need to clean again… Lessons learned the hard way. It’s so difficult to change one’s habits…
Arising from sleep
dreamy images fading
surrendered to past.
A hidden lizard disturbed
scrambles to find new cover.
~ Betsy ~
May 2, 2003
Note: As I recall I did the sungazing routine for 3 months from March through May. I stopped the sungazing at around 15 minutes near the end of May because my eyes were sore. I picked it up again about 3 months later. The time of not doing it slipped by so fast…
August 15, 2003
I started the sun gazing again, starting with 9 minutes.
August 31, 2003
So far my eyes seem okay. I can’t remember how many minutes I was doing when I left off. I started at 9, but I believe I was actually at 15 minutes. So today I started adding minutes. So I did 10 yesterday and 11 today. I feel once again the energy coming from it. I really want to stick with it and give it my best try. Today I missed it in the morning so made sure I did it in the evening. 7:30 – 8:10 are the times. So this I will continue. I have the hope that this gives me extra energy. Energy management. This is interesting, that anything I can conserve then I get a surplus that I can use for the more difficult things.
Gazing at the sun
setting busy world aside
bird lands on fig tree.
Nature’s dance filling senses
time passes in an instant.
~ Betsy ~
September 4, 2003
September 11, 2003
I’ve continued regular with the sun gazing, now I’m doing 15 minutes, and it’s 4 months. My eyes seem fine, but I don’t look very near to the sun. But it seems to be having its affect. My energy levels are higher and I feel more insightful and I want to write and write and write…
September 14, 2003
Time flies… 16 minutes sungazing… Missed it today because of clouds. Now I’m feeling down.
September 17, 2003
… I’m doing 17 minutes sungazing
September 28, 2003
The sungazing is at 18 minutes, tomorrow 19. Today there wasn’t much sunshine I did around 5 min in the morning and maybe 10 at night, for a total of 15. I realize that since I’ve restarted after having the eye problem that I don’t look at the sun like I did before. So today in the evening I tried that, it seemed mostly okay. At one point I couldn’t do it but just thought, it’s my mind that can’t do it and went beyond myself. Then it was okay. But tonight at my monitor my eyes feel funny, like they are getting dry again. So I’m not sure about this at all. I really want to do this, but also it doesn’t look like I can look right at the sun. Maybe I should just be happy with that and not worry about it, because I do feel I’m getting benefits. Maybe I only look when it’s very close to sun-up or sundown, when it’s really red. Okay, I will try to add more direct gazing but not too much too fast.
October 8, 2003
This morning in sungazing I notice that my bladder and kidneys hurt, perhaps there is some type of infection. I will take olive leaf tea and Aloe Vera plant and start to drink more water. Maybe also I will eat watermelon to cleanse the kidneys.. I’m not drinking enough, and am somewhat constipated. The sungazing was very good, 20 minutes strong looking right at the sun without problems. Only for a minute did it seem too strong and I realize it’s my mind and resistance that makes it that way. Going beyond, I did it, so that felt good.
November 2, 2003
With the sungazing I am at 26 minutes. It has been going good, bad is that there are many rainy days so one doesn’t get a nice long gaze for 26 minutes. This makes it harder for me, the sunrise is easy to take but when the sun is behind a cloud for many minutes then it comes out very strong. This I find difficult to look at. This morning I did the full 26 minutes, then tried for 13 after that but could only do 7 more. The sun was just too strong and I had to stop. I could feel my eyes getting dry. I’m adopting the habit to walk after. I’m starting to feel that strong connection again with nature and just see so much more in the walks, everything is richer colored and I notice the birds much more and people. Everything. So I see this is essential for my healing to walk in nature. This will be my priority from now on to take a walk every day in the forest – outside. I also get this sense to just look at the light, inner or outer and believe it will heal me.
November 5, 2003
I started out with 27 minutes this week and so far it has been a struggle. I wrote the article “Battle of the Personality” which depicts in detail what that is and posted it to the sungazing yahoo group. (I ask ‘Whom’ am I writing for?) I become more aware of my programs: wanting to be somebody and others, etc. Today walking my head was fully engrossed in situations, interpretations, turning around and around myself. This I saw when I was walking in the woods. At that moment it just dropped and then I smelled the forest, felt the humidity and dampness, saw and heard all the birds around. This keeps happening, these moments of just feeling everything at once, becoming aware of much more than when I’m turning around in my head. This morning however, I got up late again, maybe 20 minutes after sunrise and the sun was out in full force and quite strong. I just couldn’t look at it; I couldn’t drop my thoughts that I couldn’t look at it. I know it’s my resistance to not look at it, and my thoughts contribute so much to it. However, I was not able to over come it. But I did the whole 27 minutes as best as I could. Eventually I stood to where an olive branch covered or diffused the sunlight, so this I was able to take. Even I could see there was quite a bit of sunlight coming through. An interesting observation is that while I was turning around and not able to gaze at the sun, then this was my experience fully. As soon as I found a way to look relaxed then I heard the birds, saw the trees different and also felt a surge of energy. So in a way this is a type of feedback, to just feel this energy coming in, when I’m simply gazing. I think I will try to sungaze more tonight, sunset permitting and then do it this way if the morning doesn’t go good, to get in the full amount of minutes. I will also set my alarm clock so that I can start out with the rising sun, I do like the gradual intensity much better, and it makes it much easier to take. I think this is truth. I certainly feel things happening and see the value of continuing to do this. I am much more sensitive to food, to what I eat, noticing things that don’t feel good for me. I also notice a decreased appetite, but this doesn’t mean that I’m really paying attention to it, giving it heed…
Also I really want to do Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) to help work on my emotions…
Later in the day I asked BeiYin about this problem with looking at the sun and if he ever experienced it. He said no, but then I reminded him of the time when he said it was too bright, then he said, oh yes, when I started too late. Mostly I agree it doesn’t look like he’s had a problem with it. I asked Laura if she has problems and she said sometimes and that then she squints her eyes and looks through the eyelashes. So then I see a similarity not only in myself but also in others that they find it difficult. But also I’m quite sure that it has a lot to do with my mental focus… I know I can also relax at moments like this, like the other day and then there is no problem, the sun looses its intensity. BeiYin said the problem is that I am focusing on the sun, and that I need to not focus on it. But then I persisted, but this also I’m aware of and am trying not to focus on it, but it doesn’t work. So then I asked what do you mean not focus, is it that the mind is required to focus on the outside, that you look without using your mind. Then he said yes, but then I said, but I can’t seem to do that. Then he demonstrated it’s like you’re looking outside but you’re not looking, instead you’re looking inside. I can look at you and see you but I’m not looking. It was strange to see that his face was entirely different when he did that, I could see clearly that he wasn’t focusing. Then I tried this later and kind of see what it means. I will investigate more tomorrow. I removed the cover over my skylight tonight with the hope that I detect the sunrise earlier. This morning and the last few days I haven’t been able to tell because enough light doesn’t come in my room. Also I will set the alarm clock. I really want to get up before sunrise and have some space to wake up and also to go there when the sun rises. I like seeing the sunrise.
November 7, 2003
This morning I got up in time for sunrise. I took some pictures and started as soon as the sun was up. It was red to start with. I didn’t have any problem today looking at the sun, maybe a few moments but not much at all. The 27 minutes went by very fast. I tried the technique that BeiYin suggested of looking inside but still with sun in my eye. That worked very well and then even I played with it some to see how close I could look to the sun. I felt quite a difference, getting some feedback of when I was really being open and looking and when I wasn’t. I felt that one must really be looking at it but not staring and then felt a feedback benefit of increased energy of some kind. I tried to surrender to the sun a couple of times. That’s what I want to do, just surrender. Then it came to me how the sungazing works, that it’s like when one does surrender that one isn’t doing anything then it works. It became very clear that it is a non-doing that does the work. Maybe I write something about that today. There is a problem in my table with the electricity coming through; I can feel it in the keyboard when I type. Sometimes I get shocks just touching the camera. So I don’t know what’s causing this. Strange I never felt it before. It is very constant. I wonder if there is a missing ground in the electrical?
November 11, 2003
A few days ago my eyes got dry again and I decided to back off the sungazing, but then the next day it was cloudy all day and I didn’t have to make the decision. The next day I guess that was Monday, there were only 8 minutes of sungazing morning and evening sunrise/sunset. I did that and no problem. Today I did cloud gazing in the morning for 28 minutes then this evening I did 9 minutes of sungazing, as that is all there was. Tomorrow I think I can go back to 28 minutes. I wrote an article in the group about the problem and someone wrote that maybe it has to do with my diet, that I need more ‘raw fats’. Well I don’t eat animals most of the time and hardly anything animal that is raw, but maybe I do need more moisture in my body. I hardly drink any water right now and I’m drinking coffee too much. I’m sure I need more fluids. I ate eggs with butter today; maybe something like that also helps. Otherwise I will try to drink at least 1 liter of water per day…
Insight: I realize there is just this thin thread between being awake and not being awake. When I gaze then it’s like the surrounding goes into 3D, or completely alters. Now I remember having this type of experience many years ago in meditations, on and off. And also I remember when BeiYin talked about it with his 3D example (like this background on the webpage). So there is a type of feedback this 3D appearance gives and it comes when one has dropped one’s identification with oneself. What I wonder is why it doesn’t stay like that? Okay, because one goes back to identification with the personality. Such a thin thread, awareness is right here, all around, just I’m in the way of it. I still don’t see how to surrender to it however. I want to write something like this: The thin veil or the fine thread…
November 12, 2003
Waking up my eyes feel somewhat sticky. I got up early at 6:30 and went into the kitchen thinking I would get something to drink and decided on coffee… Then I said okay drink some water. I had to tell myself that twice before I did it. I forced down two glasses of it. The other is my period is very late, for weeks it’s felt like it is coming but it doesn’t. So maybe I get closer to menopause and then I think, yes the sungazing happens at this time as well. I’ve heard before that women wake up at menopause from Isis.
November 13, 2003
I did 29 minutes of sungazing today. No problem, only there were a few short periods where it seemed too bright, but for sure that is because it was in and out of the clouds today and also it was nearly 40 minutes after sunrise that there was sun. Not much different with it, still I see this 3D background sort of popping in and out. I know when it’s 3D and then at the same time I notice that I hear everything at once, especially the birds, which before I don’t notice so much. Also there is this halo around everything, like you can see the auras of all trees, plants, insects, birds, animals, and people. This aura is not new, I saw this in the first few weeks, and I think I’ve never written about it. I presume everyone sees it? I realize today I’m pretty selfish at dinner, going after ‘my salad’ and feeling somewhat resentful that there wasn’t one prepared for me. So I was very much acting out emotionally, very subtle, but I could see it in myself. I still don’t have my period, yet I feel cramps. It’s like they are strong enough to start the period. I feel depressed or something, not quite sure what. Also very tired. In the last few nights I went to sleep very early and slept through all night. It’s 9:30 and then I would get up at 6:30, that’s 9 hours sleep, which is more sleep than I hardly ever have. Usually I like 6-7 hours. Also I must have candida, because there is a yeasty vaginal discharge, but it doesn’t itch and also my eyes are still sticky and somewhat itchy. Is it a healing reaction, due to low fluids or light sensitivity, or my diet? I was looking at the Standard Carbohydrate Diet (SCD) tonight and I really think I should go for something like this: no refined sugar, no grains of any kind, limited legumes, no starchy veggies: yams, potatoes. Basically that’s it, all fruits and vegetables and nuts except peanuts are allowed. It would be very much like a raw foods diet, because you don’t eat the grains or refined (treated sugars) on a raw diet. All in all it went good. I’m drinking more fluids and the constipation is going away. I started the EFT around 3-4 days ago. My first saying was: Even though I am (blank) I completely and deeply accept myself. Now it’s even though I am (blank), hopelessly asleep, overweight, old and ugly, I completely and deeply accept myself. When I said that then I realized how much I really don’t like myself. So then I went back to the first statement, to work on one at a time…
November 15, 2003
Sungazing yesterday was very good, I did the full 29 minutes and hardly any problem. Today it was not so good. My eyes felt very dry because I haven’t been drinking enough water, and I couldn’t do it. Also the clouds and sun were in and out, so probably only about 15 minutes of gazing. I will try to drink much more water today and get the other 14 minutes tonight. Hira R. Manek (HRM) responded to my post regarding this problem and said yes its water that you need… I agree with this, it’s such a simple solution. Back to sungazing, I realized today I could just relax about any difficulty, also that the sun really can’t hurt me; I was able to just be very relaxed about it even though my eyes were dry. So there was an ability to really tune into it and feel any reaction in my body. Also I felt this conscious entity this morning in the sun, like it was playing with the clouds, that this experience was just for me, exactly what I needed. This I felt very strong and also that the sun was helping me, that it was adjusting itself and all around to give me the experience I needed to help me grow. This I never felt before, just how much I’m being assisted to go beyond my personality. It made me feel loved beyond measure if only for an instant. Thank you sun!
November 16, 2003
No sungazing this morning, as it rained, which was probably good because my eyes are still dry. I drank 1 liter of water yesterday along with orange juice. But still I’m dehydrated. I will keep working at it. Yesterday I got my period, I don’t remember the last time I had it; it could be nearly 3 months. So far strong flow with strong contractions, probably I get nearer to menopause. I realize I’m not doing sitting meditation much any more. Even this morning I don’t feel like it; I don’t know if this is good or bad. Probably it’s better to do something.
November 17, 2003
No sun again today. Two days without sungazing and without meditation but I feel okay, not reactive. My period seems normal, it continues. Now I go to meditate. The problem with skipping sungazing is that I’m also skipping the EFT because I do it right after sungazing. The dogs now expect to go on their daily walk… Which is good for me.
November 21, 2003
FINALLY Sun! 30 minutes sungazing. There were a few short points when it seemed too strong; overall it just seemed so long. But when the time feels like its dragging, then I realize that this is when my head takes over, the fear of my eyes getting damaged, that it’s too strong, I can’t do it, etc. Then I realize that these ‘problems’ are my challenge, my current obstacle to overcome. By dropping my identification with my mind and emotions and and stepping beyond these moments, then it is my work of surrender. So I did these things. Near the end there was the moment when I see the halos around the images, the sun becomes part of the background and all is just calm, different, I hear and see everything all at once, not feeling separate. I like this place and feeling. Walking today, I realize that I feel depressed, that there is negativity with people like not before. Then I see it’s my perception to be depressed to feel this stuff, but also it is what the background of these people are projecting, so negativity is in the air. But my challenge is to relate to what there is, my own reactions and those of others in the moment, and this is all that I can do. So there is another way that I am challenged.
November 22, 2003
There was sun again today, and I did nearly the full 30 minutes. It started late at 8:00 and because there were clouds off and on, I think I did 23 minutes. Then when it was fully out I thought to do seven more and really tried but could see it was too strong at this time, near 9:00. So I let it go… I realize that 30 minutes or six months is another transition. To continue I have to surrender, or I can’t do it. It is hard to describe. I need to write a poem about it. It is like the practice itself – to gaze – gives me a beacon, a way to see when I am identified and when I’m not. I can make the choice then to just look or be in my head. The definition or boundary between these two worlds becomes clearer at this point. I also realize this more often throughout my day, that there is just this choice to drop my engaging with my head. This morning during sungazing I could just step back and watch myself engaging that way very clear, more clearly it seems than ever before. Also in my EFT I have changed my affirmation from Even though I am (blank) I deeply and completely accept myself. To: Even though (blank) I deeply and completely accept myself. It was like this suggestion just came to me. I realize that the way I said it before it is like there is no ownership in what I’m doing, that it’s completely out of my control. The new affirmation brings it more into a decision being made by me. With this EFT I realize that nearly all those 13 points are very painful, especially in my chest, near the collarbone, under the breast, the sore spot and armpit. I wondered today if all this pain I feel here and in my breast comes from suppressed emotions. I will try to make an effort to do 2 EFT sessions per day or more. I see I could use a lot of work in this field. I am starting to feel really tired during the day and feel the need to do more. I also need a poem to express what the sun is doing to me:
~ Betsy ~
November 22, 2003
November 27, 2003The sungazing has been going good. I’ve done 30 minutes for a few days in a row and the last two days I had hardly any problem at all with good sunlight. Only there are sometimes a few moments when I slip into my thinking and find it’s too much or there are numerous reflections happening with a cloud, which are hard to look beyond. I just see it now as an exercise to let go of my identification with my head. The sun being always the challenge to continue to look at it, I have to drop my head to be able to do so for this long. It’s very simple really. BeiYin says he’s going to write something as a topic that you can look at anything the same way. This may be true, but I still feel the sun is a special challenge because it’s so bright. To stay focused on it you have to let go, which isn’t true with other things.
November 29, 2003
The sungazing this morning was absolutely beautiful. No clouds at all. I find it easier to look at the sun when there aren’t clouds. I went 30 minutes, only a few times I wanted a little less bright, and so tipped my head only a little so the hairs of my hat caused a little filtering. But I found I only did this temporary and then worked back to full view. It was much easier today than yesterday. Only the last minute I thought it too bright and was thinking of stopping and then the timer went off… My eyes seem good, as long as I drink more fluid. Today the sun ‘told me’ that I was to look right at the sun, this became clear, that it’s not to the side or below, but right at it. And also I see it’s important not to do anything else except sungaze. I would like to write something about this. I asked to surrender to do God’s will. This I will keep doing as my affirmation… I find that I am tired of everyone around me these days.
November 30, 2003
Sungazing was okay. The last 8 minutes I had difficulty even the sun wasn’t that bright. But again it was one of those days with some clouds around, alternating with full sun, causing that refraction effect. But today, different is that I just accepted that it was hard and took breaks when I needed. But also I woke up realizing how much pain I have in my body. My back hurts still from falling in the compost and I feel that in my lower back while I’m doing the sungazing, standing. Also my right shoulder, chest, breast and in all the points for EFT in that region really hurt. Okay, so I think a lot of this pain has a reason why it’s also difficult to do the sungazing, I’m just tired and achy and all this reduces my awareness. I realize yesterday as well that I’m still in as much of a head-trip as ever. I’m not anywhere. Sometimes, again, I get this sense that I’m awake, aware, etc, but then when I see the reality and watch my thoughts. Then I wonder, how to let go of all this, how to surrender, what I need to do. I guess I want a magic pill, that the sun just takes me and that’s it, I just have to let go. But I sense there is more to it than that. I have to relate to reality, to what is presenting and make active decisions to change. I really need to find out how to love me, at least enough to make these changes to feel better. Don’t I love myself enough for that? Is it too much to ask to take care of myself and feel better physically? I’m not really sure what that would feel like to feel healthy, slim, alive, energetic, etc… I want to explore that. I’m thinking about a fast. That seems the easiest, to just let go of everything and challenge myself that way. Okay, I will think about it more today how to do it. Maybe Monday I start with a lemon juice fast, only lemon juice water and EFT and meditation and walks. This would be a good challenge for me. I sense that I really should go RAW 100% these last 3 months of sungazing, because then I really want to try a prolonged fast after the 9 months are up to see if my appetite disappears. Probably in March I should try this. I see I have to make decisions and to let go of ‘my will’, ‘my desires’ and go into the void, denying all that, just to see how far I can go with it. I want to find out about the cause of disease, this I think is very important for the future and for now…
December 4, 2003
I think it’s been 3 or 4 days without a sun to gaze at. Today it almost looked as if there would be sun but then the clouds moved in fast, so there was no sun. I will try to catch it later on today. I said to BeiYin it looks like the clouds will outrun the sun, then he said, the clouds don’t move that fast. Well… It happened. To really just stand there and cloud gaze requires that I let go of everything. At first this morning it was difficult maybe because I was waiting to start with the sun, and so it took a little to refocus and adjust to the reality of no sun and to just do the cloud gazing. Also the weather turns more this month and it’s a few degrees colder. Still my toes are cold from standing barefoot there, even with a towel on top and Jolita (my cat) lying on top of that. I noticed later when I left that there was a similar effect, just staring at where the sun might have been, that I saw a type of afterimage and also that the plants seemed more alive, much like I had done regular sungazing. This was interesting.
Then there was sun and I decided to do the sungazing, to try and do it when the sun is stronger, later in the day. The other day BeiYin had said when I couldn’t look at it mid-day, that it was easy, and it was because I still wasn’t relaxed enough. This I took personal. So then I decided instead to challenge myself to do this. I went and got my timer and did it. At first it was so difficult, so bright, my eyes were tearing, and I just knew that this was all in my head. I was persistent and eventually I calmed down and let go of my thoughts so I could do it. There were clouds between the sun, off and on, but this was perfect practice. It didn’t matter whether there was sun or not, my eyes still were bothered. So it becomes clearer the this problem is in the mind, and that this standing there and stilling that voice is the practice, no matter what I’m looking at. After it was over, then I sat in the spot behind the cactus mountain and did another one, just looking at a tree, watching inward, observing, I see the scenery go in and out, changing when I’m not identified with that voice and then becoming one dimensional when I am, and three dimensional when I’m not. I know I find it very difficult to surrender and this right now is what is most interesting and my challenge to go beyond. I really hurt and want to let go and just be. I only ask for this, that the sun take me…
December 7, 2003
Sungazing today started out late because of the clouds. I found it bright today and had to keep switching between eyes open and closed. But then at the end I did 5 more minutes so I think I got in the 31 minutes. I do find my eyes somewhat sensitive today to the sun, so I will watch it… What’s new with me? I still go into funks and identify. The last is just feeling alone, by myself, without family. The memory of how I felt this in my childhood comes back to me, that this is a very old replayed feeling of being alone. Still how I feel is lonely and depressed. I sense that I never want to admit that my relationships are okay, because then I would not have my reason left to feel alone. I notice it didn’t take me long when I had lost one reason to feel alone (my family has abandoned me); to there is nobody for me here… This somehow is the way that I get my identification, through my loneliness, my feeling separated and unloved, this that I would like to get from the outside but can’t. I see in my EFT that there is a lack of Love and also in my life. I can see that I don’t love myself enough to take care of myself. What am I waiting for? I think of ‘the perfect mate’ and then I don’t think they want me the way I am right now, this also is a very old thought, repeating endlessly. But also there is the reality: If I don’t love myself, then I won’t attract people that love themselves, which is what I would want in a partner. So the first step is that I need to start loving myself, accepting myself, and making changes… I have the intuition that this is the root cause of all disease: a lack of self-love…
December 8, 2003
Sungazing was just awesome this morning. Beautiful sunrise and then so many times I just felt like taking pictures, that the sky was speaking to me. There were beautiful rainbow colors in the clouds and I just couldn’t resist at times to interrupt the gazing and take a photo. Jolita complied and lay on my feet on top of the towel, this helps quite a bit to keep my feet warm. I really am grateful for that.
Watching the animals I feel so connected with all their expressions. They are so beautiful. I took many photos today. I’m starting to feel like writing something again. Something is just on the tip of my tongue but I can’t get it out, don’t know what it is. I was reading the Non-duality Salon messages and it came, and then it went again… Maybe later. There was one thing that came up in EFT, I changed the affirmation from: Even though (blank), I deeply and completely accept myself to: Even though I haven’t (blank), I deeply and completely accept myself. I realize that one has to take actions to change things, it doesn’t happen by itself. Like becoming breatharian, it doesn’t just happen; you have to work towards it. That our feeling of being alone comes from past images. When I’m feeling very alone, then I dredge up an image of myself sitting in my bed, crying, when I’m very young and feeling like nobody loves me or takes care of me. When I think I’m on my own, this makes me very sad. To feel alone it seems I have to dredge up an image like that, and then identify with it to make myself feel that way. I saw this when I had the alone image regarding a friend, and then when they wrote, I felt that no longer worked to make me feel sad and then I attached to another image: nobody will ever love me… Oh, dear me! I am very needy that’s for sure, I wonder if I can grow out of this. BeiYin and I talked about another step: ‘ seeing another dimension’ this morning. He said it’s like the people who view that we are in a closed system, that the sun is inside the earth and the evidence given is how your shoes wear proving that the earth is convex and not concave. That this is what we humans do, convincing ourselves that what we see on the outside is real, but it’s all imaginary, none of it exists, except inside of ourselves, but we get the view outside of ourselves. I guess I don’t understand what he tried to express because he dropped the topic, after I was creating different analogies. Something to ponder… I want to read more about what Bates is saying regarding vision, I think there is something there in that. I want to write something else about sungazing, where am I at with it really? It seems like 31 minutes and there is something to do stronger with the emotions and how we feel everything, how we identify, how we stay in our own worlds. It’s like the outside is opening up to me, I feel it with the photos and on my walks and with the animals (not yet with people), and also I feel a greater sense of calm of not wallowing in my dark thoughts. My energy levels are greater; I’m staying up later and still getting up without problem. Around 6 hours of sleep feels good, where before I wanted a solid eight. I’m still not eating the best diet, I’m thinking of trying one day of fasting per week. I think Sunday would be a good day. I want to experiment also with just eating less.
All you need is love, love… Love is all you need…
December 10, 2003
I got up late today for sungazing, but there wasn’t sun at first anyway. I went to my spot and got ready, but at first thought to skip it… The sun came out soon and I did 18 minutes, but it was difficult. I was shading quite a bit with my hat and also closing my eyes. I was thinking of quitting but instead when the timer went off I reset it for 12 more minutes. Then I did some EFT and thought ‘just relax’ and that really helped. Then I was able to sungaze much more comfortable. I kept thinking however that it was later than normal and the sun was too strong. I thought about Mason getting macular damage in his eyes, and how this could be really crazy to be doing this. Then I thought about doing this for 30 minutes every day now and that I have 3 more months to go. That is quite a bit of time left for gazing at the sun. 3 months * 30 day = 90 days * 35 minutes is approximately 50 hours left. This is more time than all that I’ve done so far. I hope that I can do it and that it doesn’t damage my eyes. I feel it’s okay but still there are doubts. When I look at what’s been said about it, I don’t feel less hungry, I’m eating more. I do feel my awareness growing, becoming less and less attached. So hopefully one takes over the other in that I get more confidence in listening to my inner guide and knowing if this is good for me or not. So where am I? Insecurity at this time seems to be ruling… Still I’m not drinking enough liquids and I really have identified areas where I can take little steps to improve and change my habits.
I’ve gained weight and it’s starting to drag on me. I also am very stiff and many of my joints hurt and my back hurts much near the end of the 30 minutes. I injured it slipping in the compost when it was raining the other day. Also I find it hard to bend and tie my shoes anymore, my legs don’t have the elasticity they did when I practiced yoga. So I want to start to do the sun salutations again. Makes sense to do it before sungazing. I’m also thinking about drinking only water before and after sungazing. Now I drink a lot of orange juice and then I burp and after I drink coffee. I am also full of pimples on my back. The pimples perhaps come from a cleansing from the MSM powder I’ve started or perhaps from too much wheat in my diet, or perhaps it’s just a healing reaction by itself. Lately I’m not doing the neti pot because the water is too cold and I have to heat it.
December 11, 2003
I confronted the moment today when it started to seem bright to my eyes and noticed that by just a little distraction, switching my focus to something else, like exercising my ankle by rotating it or by moving my toes and still looking at the sun, that it was no longer bright. I continued with this, just little distractions and there was no problem to look at the sun. I also paid close attention to my thinking, it was very clear I was just directing things. This I felt to be a big power that I had never felt before, to be able to steer myself so precisely. The ability to not listen to my head talk and direct my energy in another way. This was for me a big insight. It made all my agonizing about looking at the sun seem different, that I could see the battle I was playing with my thoughts and turning around them, giving them the foremost priority. I realize I can steer away from those thoughts – whatever they may be – and completely change my reality. What a revelation. Okay, I’ve known about this, but never have I had such control with it and saw it so clear. Probably before it was theory and now it becomes reality. I don’t know if this is an ability that grows (showing my fear) – probably that is the case. So I get some good feedback today and will continue wholeheartedly. This makes me feel good, so now I can wallow in happy feelings for the day. I see that I could do this at any time of the day with anything. To just reset my focus in another direction away from what my head is telling me. Like the Knight of Fire – in the Osho deck ‘Intensity’ – what came from my Tarot reading a few days ago. When the time was up, I reset the timer because the first 7 minutes weren’t very sunny, mostly clouds and also I was very distracted. I did the EFT during this period, as the sun was very bright. I realize that as I go on and reach the point near the end of my time, then always this is the hardest because the sun is stronger and I’m growing accustomed to the brightness. Okay, so this also explains why it’s harder when the sun comes up later. But then I thought what about the child who gazed at the sun all day long, then I realize that it is a type of training, to just let go of oneself and gaze. To completely let go of oneself, one’s identification with one’s thoughts, then one could go probably all day long. I’m still not sure about damage to the eyes from prolonged exposure. I think I heard that the child had no problems. But HRM warns about going beyond 44 minutes, that you must not do this. If he has went through this full process, which I have no reason to doubt, then I can’t help but trust his advice. I also can’t imagine that many people finish this and go to the full amount of time feeling how hard it is to do. I realize now that I’m at another transition and it looks like I get over the hump, which requires that one let’s go of one’s identification with one’s thoughts to continue. Okay, I knew this was the challenge at around 28-30 minutes and now at 32 it looks like I made it over, with persistence and continued observation. Looking back it wasn’t easy. I suspect there are still challenges to come.
December 13, 2003
32 minutes is still difficult for me. Today it was like the whole thing just seemed too bright and too intense. But I kept trying to look over and over. I could see I wasn’t relaxed that I was thinking and this fed the cycle of not being relaxed and the belief that there is possible damage coming from doing this doesn’t go away. It lurks under the surface. I have thoughts of people coming to observe today and how I might not be able to do it. I felt BeiYin looking at me today, and then this made me feel self-conscious. All a head-trip, and I know it. So I would close my eyes and breath and relax. Then open my eyes; always it was good when I did that. So then with 8 minutes left I was near to call it quits for the day. But no, instead I persevered. I did the EFT the last minutes and this distraction helps to do it. But I don’t like using distractions in this way, as I see it doesn’t challenge me then to just relax in front of the sun, looking at it. Well, I will keep trying; I don’t see that I’m ready to give up. Then I think also the last stretch will be on my own, as BeiYin only has a few days left. Okay, maybe that makes it easier somehow to not have anyone around, to just confront what is there without any distractions. So there is hope and I try to drop my negative feelings and selfish attitudes. I really need to concentrate on myself, the self-discipline issues and to just treat myself better, to feel healthier. And I can’t do it with the reason to make myself better for someone else as a goal, I somehow have to cop the attitude that it’s for me, because I love myself enough. This is difficult to do this.
December 28, 2003
With sungazing I’m at 35 minutes. The last few days have been good but before that quite a bit of difficulty with looking at the sun the full time. I’ve decided to stick at 35 minutes until I feel comfortable with this level of time before adding any more onto it.
Still I am looking at how my thinking affects these moments when it’s difficult. So I practice quieting my thoughts when this happens. I always see how it’s a matter of my thoughts that’s causing this effect. So I know it, but it’s also hard to just let that go and not think about it. Something comes to me about observation. Sometimes I see the clouds moving and then I look and they don’t move for quite some time. This is strange and it comes and goes. They move they don’t move. Then I think only the state of recalling memories would allow that one could see clouds moving, as it all happens in the visual sensing mechanism. Without eyes I couldn’t see clouds moving. Do clouds really move? Now I remember something BeiYin told me about another step a few weeks ago, that it was comparable to the belief that we live inside of the earth and everything is closed around us. That all that we see as reality has to do with our perception, that in fact nothing is real. Back to the old Buddha thingy: all is illusion. Yes, I suppose this is possible.
January 1, 2004
Sungazing is at 36 minutes; I decided to up it anyway because last time I was able to do the full 35 without problem. Today I started late and there were no clouds and I found it difficult near the end. Instead of fretting about it, I just did some exercises and did the best I can which wasn’t bad. I realize my eyes are dry again; I am not drinking enough again. I started the lemon cleanse fast just now after breakfast, so this will hydrate me well, and other things. I will try to journal everyday now to see if there is a difference with sungazing, with good hydration as well as fasting at the same time. I don’t think the middle of winter is a good time to fast; it’s so cold to drink it. Probably I’ll have to have lots of tea as well, because I don’t like drinking cold liquid right now. I think this is a main reason why I’m not drinking enough, because it’s cold. Okay, I grin and bear it. Because I’m eating less I should have some more time for some other things. I will consider fasting longer than 10 days to lose more weight and to clear all these toxins out.
For the first day the fast went well. There are so many things happening inside, that I don’t know what is my feeling or what to express. So what keeps people from touching each other, to relating to the essence of what they want to express? I don’t know how to respond essentially to people. I don’t know what to say, how to express my feelings, I guess I’m hiding. All meditation I was thinking about my resistance to communicate. I feel I have much internal work to do.
January 10, 2004
Day 10 of the fast. I decided to keep going until I feel it is time to stop. It’s possible I will go for 40 days. Right now even though there are healing reactions, my energy level is so incredible that I just want to stay here, feeling this way. Today in sungazing, I had the capability to just notice when I was getting tense (the sun is too bright), then redirect inwards and watch my breath, watching the tension flow out and all the resistance. I realize how much power one has from this position to control what happens in one’s life. To stop that inner feeling, thinking voice, which is creating the experience, to just relax and it goes away. Maybe we always react out of tension, or from being tense, that this is somehow the defense mode. Okay, so there is still a lot of stuff to work on. I want to heal, I want to be normal weight, I want to be healthy, I want to do Yoga, Tai Chi, Swim, and Eat Good and have full energy. I want to be in control of my life. I want to love myself. This is my next challenge. Sungazing is 37 minutes and went very well today. There were clouds, but the observation regarding the tension was very interesting, also how closely I could observe. Even I see the notes above are coming out of a better ability to observe.
January 14, 2004
Day 14 of the fast. After this it’s supposed to be easier. Day 12 was really difficult. Last night and the next day I was very sick. I felt very weak, with diarrhea and feeling nauseous. I slept much during the day. The next day I felt fine and worked hard outside. I just don’t want to feel sick anymore. I want to look and be healthy. I do this for myself, not for any one else, but just because I DESERVE IT. I’m not losing weight anymore, which disappoints me, because I want to be 54 kilo. I seem to have stabilized at around 59-60 kilo. I really want to zero out, to let go, and to go beyond. I really want to heal. I’m taking MSM for around 2 months now in the morning, so probably this is helping as well.
January 16, 2004
I feel depressed right now. I feel inadequate in my own ability to love myself. I skipped sun meditation today, as there were clouds, so it was easy for me to skip it. Dependencies… I’m starting to feel that I need to express myself, to write more, something about fasting and sungazing and feelings and emotions. I saw myself so angry with a friend today in the last few days, just under the surface and I need to look at it. Always I want others to be how I think they should be, then I’m angry and critical about them when they aren’t how I think they should be. Somehow I must get some value out of this ‘mindset’ or thinking pattern to make myself feel ‘important’ or good. In a way, I see it’s sick to get my feeling of existence in this way. In meditation I’m just trying to zero out, to drop all this emotional thinking way of feeling. I see I don’t like how it feels to have my life lived this way, so I watch it and try to relax and let it go. It came to me also that I’m just trying too hard to drop it, that I want to wake up so bad to get something out of this sacrifice: the fast, the sun gazing, all the years of meditation. That I will feel like a failure if something doesn’t come out of it. Then I get the intuition that probably I’m trying to hard. Later, I go now to walk the dogs.
January 17, 2004
When I reached 35 minutes of sungazing, I found that I was struggling to finish the last 10 minutes and then made the decision to stay at 35 minutes until the entire session felt comfortable. Making this decision felt good, that it came out of my own observation and I didn’t need to ask anybody if it was right or not. No pressure, no concerns, just a logical way to proceed and observe. Having made the decision, I relaxed more, dropping any concern about not being able to continue to the end. As it turned out I only stayed at 35 minutes for one week longer. During this interval I noticed how my emotional body determines my experience even more than my thoughts. I know thoughts and emotions are closely linked to each other, but I had never observed so closely how my feelings were creating a tension in my body, causing a reactive cycle. During my usual episodes of feeling the sun is too bright to continue to look at it, I observed more closely to see what was going on behind my reaction. I realized that old feeling patterns of failure and of inadequacy were driving it. Realizing this, I found out that by simply relaxing my physical body it would calm the emotional reaction I was having. This was different than thinking I could stop my thoughts! By focusing on my breathing and by not giving any heed to the emotions I found I could calm the effect that I was happening. Then I realized that one’s emotional state often is the determining factor in what one experiences as one’s reality. I saw that when I started sungazing some mornings, if I got up late and didn’t have some stretching time before or time for a juice, but rather rushed to do it, then I was agitated inside. As the sungazing progressed I noticed that the agitation got less and less as the gaze time went by. I also noticed that if I wasn’t aware about the agitation and left it go without dealing with it, then the sungazing session was difficult. I would be looking at the time and just hoping that it would get over soon, wondering how I could continue because the sun was so bright. Knowing this now, I watch more closely the whole emotional response going on inside of myself, and realize I can just be aware of it and when needed focus on my breath to calm it down. When I’m engaged in this process of active observation and not getting all caught up in the sideshow, then I can easily maintain a calm relaxed state and just gaze at the sun. More and more I am sinking into just looking at the sun and the time goes by quickly. A few weeks ago I didn’t think it would ever be possible that I could just relax and look at the sun – but now what I thought was impossible is possible.
I think the EFT I’m practicing daily has helped me to notice my emotions and learn about them. Through this practice it becomes more clear what it the root cause of emotional reactions. Recently it occurred to me to use the EFT and aim it at a strong emotional reaction I was having at the time it was happening. Sun meditation practice gives a good opportunity for this, because one is more aware of one’s thoughts and feelings. When I started doing this, insights were coming to me about why I was having that emotional reaction and also how often I was having these kinds of internal flare-ups. I then realized that I could use the EFT whenever I was feeling something strong and just try to observe and see what was behind it. I saw behind nearly every reactive cycle the same reason: I don’t love myself unconditionally or I don’t love others unconditionally. There are so many conditions, and when what I experience on the outside doesn’t meet ‘my conditions’ – which is nearly all the time – then I’m emotionally rocked. I realize I don’t have to cling to these emotional reactions, I can use EFT or breath them away, as they arise. I see that it comes down to a choice to feel myself in this way or not. I’m finding that I don’t like feeling myself in this way anymore and am more than willing these days to kiss it goodbye whenever it arises.
Now I’m at 38 minutes and next week I start at 39. Today I slept in as I was up late on the computer and started an hour later. I found that I had no problem doing the full amount of time at a much stronger sun that I’m used to. That was a milestone. I also started a fast on the first of January and had initially intended to only go 10 days with it. Then later I heard about 30 days and had never before considered doing a fast of that duration. I did some research and the more I read about it, I convinced myself that I should give it a try to get a deep cleanse of my body. So I am fasting. Then I think that I could also fast through February and then maybe I won’t need or want to eat again when I reach the full 44 minutes. But at this time it doesn’t look possible…
January 19, 2004
The last few days of my fast I cheated eating solid food, I feel duller today and yesterday so will get back on the lemon juice drink. I feel in my joints now old aches and pains melting, like everything is cracking and also painful. It seems the lump under my arm I noticed doing EFT feels different. I need to do the bi-daily enema and should most likely get into the sauna. I really want more cleansing and also to lose 4 more kilos and with less than two weeks left then I need to get more serious. Sungazing this week is at 39 minutes. It was a little difficult during the last nine minutes, but then at the end I did two more. Did the EFT about it.
January 25, 2004
Yesterday was the worst day of this fast, in that I ate: 6 bananas, 1 piece of bread, soup, some meat. Like I’m stuffed. I want to continue though, so even though I’m not in the fasting state anymore I will try to continue for the remaining 5 days. I feel lethargic. It’ s 4:47 am. I’m in a big funk, the same issues, my interpretation, how I see others, how I don’t like what I see. Not much really changes with me. Gives me something to look at – indeed. Maybe tomorrow I write more detail about it. Sungazing is going good, although I still am finding it difficult to look some days. My eyes seem irritated most of the time, a little puffy and sore these days. My eyesight doesn’t get better, and I can’t help but think of Mason being at 39 minutes and then getting an eye exam and finding out there was damage to the retina. I’m at 39 minutes and my eyes don’t feel great. I wonder, how much does one push oneself for the goal of enlightenment? Even to the extent that one damages their eyes for one’s lifetime? Probably…
February 1, 2004
Sungazing is 40 minutes last week. I found nearly every session difficult, in that the last 13 minutes or so is very hard to look at the sun. So I’ve been using my hat and looking at the sun filtered. I found that if I pushed too much then the next day my eyes were bothered. At this point I don’t want to push that much and would rather have slower progress, so I am content to do what I am able. I was thinking that maybe I will do evening sungazing and add on the 13 minutes, to get the full amount in. This morning I had too much orange juice and I realize I do this every morning and then during sungazing I’m belching much of the time because I have put too much in my stomach. Walking with the dogs the whole time my stomach was complaining and still it is that way at 10:50. This is since 8:00 this morning. I see so clearly how this food in my stomach is zapping my energy. This is not how I want to use my energy, fighting to digest stuff! Now I want to only drink water for a while just to not have this heavy feeling. I’m thinking about doing a straight water fast for one week, with nothing but water. It does seem impossible at this time, but I also feel strongly motivated to try it. To just watch myself and not have any easy way to escape and suppress what comes up.
As far as the sungazing, I will try to do evening sungazing to get the extra minutes in. I really don’t know how this is working. If the pineal gland is increasing in size, so it doesn’t matter as long as one gets the time in, or if it has more to do with one’s meditation, or ability to just gaze at the sun. I wrote something last night regarding just watching – the only meditation, and this I will try to do more of in the next days to see what is the result…
February 3, 2004
I want to write the poem: “I’m a prisoner of my mind”… The other day I drew one card on what I could focus on and I chose ‘X – Change’, which Osho says the point is to the see the circle that you are in, how one day you are sad and want to die and the next day you are happy and all is fine… I see clearly the circle that I’m in and I know it comes from listening to what my head is telling me. I don’t want to eat bad food and want to do more, but everything I tell myself I don’t do. I want my meditation to be more intense and it’s not. I’m tired again and congested and it all has to do with what I’m putting into my body, I know it yet don’t stop it. Is it that I like to torture myself? Then I think, what do I have to do? Relate to what presents, and if you do then you will grow. Okay, okay. So this is what is in front of me and I have to relate to this step to move on. Okay, you have your question and you have your answer, so what is stopping you? Fear, fear of failure, fear of being healthy? One thing I see common to all these things is that these habits are addictive. Eating cooked food is addictive. If you are eating raw food and then start to eat cooked food, then this wakes up the desire to eat cooked food again. If you are eating healthy food then start with the sugar or bread thing then this wakes up again the desire for sugar/starches. The only way out is to make a firm decision, to know you for sure you don’t want ‘whatever’ because you see it is not good for you. Stopping any ‘thing’ or ‘habit’, creates an empty space, which before you filled with taking this substance of doing this thing, so then you have to substitute in something else to fill the void. To look at it positive is to see that you have a new space that you can do something you’ve always wanted to do in the new space or opportunity that has been created…
It’s about energy management. The lesson is to learn how to conserve one’s energy by not wasting it by consuming all these things, which take so much energy to clear out the toxins and waste… Maybe later I write the poem: ‘I’m a prisoner of my own mind’ or ‘Self-discipline – the path to enlightenment…’ Something will come…
February 10, 2004
I’m tired and all that again, congested, the usual torture. Still a prisoner of my own head. The sun came out today, the first time in nearly a week and my alarm didn’t go off. I got there really late, maybe 20-30 minutes after sunrise. I could not look at the sun. So I mostly did it with my eyes shut, and then for only 20 minutes. Tonight I did the sungazing with 30 minutes and the first 20 were so difficult. I just couldn’t relax and look at the sun. But I stuck with it to sunset. The last 10 minutes were very nice. I hope tomorrow it goes better. I really want to finish this and be able to gaze in peace and get some benefit from it. All kinds of things come up by not being able to do this at this time. There is much to ponder.
February 13, 2004
There was only around 10 minutes of sungazing this morning, but what there was, was really nice and relaxed and grounded. Later I tried intuiting the lottery numbers, going 1 by 1 through 1-49 with the pendulum. There were moments when I feel there is a direct channel, clear, without me getting in the way and then the pendulum really moves by itself. I also see how easy it is to influence the result with my thinking and action, and in the end I was not able to clearly select 6 numbers. Then I realize that the result is not so important, what is more important is learning to connect with my intuition. *** This morning only 10 minutes sungazing but it was a good 10 minutes. Then tonight the full 41 minutes and only the first 5 or so were difficult. That felt good, like a milestone to stay relaxed the full amount of time. I wonder if in the morning the sun at the point it rises is higher in the sky then at sunset and the difficulty is actually coming from the sun being too bright? It’s so hard to tell if it’s me or if it’s really too bright. This evening the sun was at first a little hazy in the sky, but later it seemed the sky was quite clear. So I don’t really know, but it felt good to just have that long meditation. I realize that there is quite a bit of pain in my right shoulder, also there is a minor headache most of the time. I really need to relate to these things and get healthier. Also I just don’t feel good about people in the last few days. I’m not really sure what it is, but it just feels so distant. I realize that I’m lonely and would like someone to connect with, because the reality is that there is no essential connection with nobody for so many years. I think I will take another meditation tonight, just to see what’s bothering me so much… I really don’t feel good at this point and I’m not sure exactly what is the cause.
February 18, 2004
On the good side, the sungazing went well, 42 minutes and hardly any problem at all. The sun was clear in the sky the whole time, but glazy like, not super bright. I will continue on with this, hoping the sun can heal this big wound: my ego… Now I need to go outside and do something physical….
February 22, 2004
Sungazing this morning at around 8:30, and I couldn’t do it at all. I didn’t try to force it, as I knew it was late. So I did a small meditation with my eyes closed. I made the evening session with 45 minutes before sunset. I did full 42 minutes. With 26 minutes left was when it felt good for my eyes. The first minutes were too difficult to look at sun, so I filtered it with my hat. So first 16 minutes were too strong and last 26 okay. Then I did the last 3 until sunset. I was going to note the time at the end, but forgot to. I think it was around 5:30 when I went, so it must have been near 6:30-6:45. In the morning I think the sun is visible around 7:45 for sunrise. What I’m thinking today is possible is that because I’m at 42 minutes and that there are hills around, I’m actually getting sun time at extremes with higher UV than 1.0, because of increasing intensity, so I make the decision not to force it. If I have to split it between 20 and 20, sunrise/sunset, then this I do. More important that I don’t strain my eyes and it feels good for me to do this. If it then takes twice longer (6 weeks, vs. 3 weeks) to complete the last 3 minutes, then so be it. Presumably it’s the amount of total time of absorbing sunlight into pituitary gland and not that you do 44 minutes consecutively. I should ask HRM about it… I will check official sunrise/sunset of Ibiza to see if hills might be affecting the sunrise/sunset…
The last few times sungazing I notice a heat forming, I feel it in my eyes and then in my body and through my feet into the ground. Tonight I felt it very strong, it feels like the sun is taking me over, or I’m becoming one with the sun, like a vessel of energy. I don’t know if this is just warmth or something else, but it does seem to be new. Then when I felt it going through me, this very much warmth, it felt so good, I can’t tell you. Then I knew why one needed to be barefoot; it was like it makes conduction between the earth, the sun and my body, like all was one. I will keep writing about this, seems like something is happening.
In the last few days I tried to guess a tarot card that I selected. The first few times nothing, but I could see how my mind was working, working, working, planting ideas… Tonight I sat down with the Native American deck of animals, as I don’t know them too well and the pictures to try it instead of meditation. I selected 3 cards and spend quite some time with it, 1.5 hours. I realize that one has to go very deep and completely surrender and trust that the answer will come. I decided that I had to visually see the image, before I would say I’ve seen it. I realize that I am more visual so this is better to do for me than to think or let it come. I did it like before, when I tried to see blue, and then I tried to see the card. The first 2 cards were not close at all. The third card I saw the Elk, the antlers, etc. It was correct, but I didn’t really trust it. So I was surprised to see it there. Enough to tell me it’s possible, but I see also that I have to really let go. I see this exercise is probably the most important thing I should be practicing. I saw that when one has let go then it’s like you are in the channel, and whatever you want will come to you. I remember being there from 2006, nearly 5 years ago, and feel ready now to enter into this full time. Yes, I need and want to practice surrendering, and will use this intuition thing for my feedback. I remember from before, that this could be my daily reality, being in this channel, like a freak, but tonight it felt so good to be home. Every day I get closer, feel closer to becoming who I really am. I went out side tonight and looked at the stars, they were so vivid and intense tonight. This is how it is being in the void, like you are in outer space, looking at the stars, being a star, with the stars and inside the universe. It helps in my meditation to point myself into outer space, into the stars.
I looked up the local times for sunrise and sunset in my location. So then I found out I need to sungaze before 8:40 (maximum) and after 5:40. I’ve been starting around 8:20 – 8:30, which I can now see is too late to be starting. So I need to get up at 7:00 and be outside at 7:30… In the evening I can start around 5:45 – 6:00 depending on how much time I need.
February 24, 2004
No sungazing today, yesterday I only did around 10 minutes in the morning. We have clouds. I got up early to see a beautiful sunrise. This morning’s intuition session shows me that I need to develop my right hemisphere, that I can hardly see an image of a triangle on a white background. I think this is important to be able to do.
In meditation I watched my mind being triggered with successive thoughts: my email to a friend and how he never answered me. Then to this: he was the only person I felt connected to in a deep way. Then to: I’ll write him and ask him why he doesn’t write me. Then to: I’ll burn the only photos I kept of anybody. Then I felt the emotion coming so strong of how hurt and lonely I felt. It was like a shock in my system to feel this emotion overtaking me, and what was different is that I watched it so objectively and then was able to see it, that it was a reaction and just watch and let go of it. I don’t ever remember having seen my emotions so detached before and being able to just set it aside.
February 26, 2004
Sungazing – Finally Sun. I was there around 10 minutes after sunrise. It went well for around 20 minutes, then too bright. I stuck with it until the end at 42 minutes. I felt that warm thing again, and saw I was afraid of it. It was hard to relax. I did EFT – Even though I feel the sun is too bright today and I can’t relax and deeply and completely accept myself. This helped me much to relax and be able to go on. I think I need time before it starts to do EFT, some exercise or just a small meditation first.
March 4, 2004
Sungazing – 43 minutes. The last two days it went really good, nice sunshine and not too much problems. It’s been really slow going because there have been many cloudy days in the last 2 weeks. Otherwise, this would be done now. Today I saw clearly how paying attention to one’s emotional state is an option. That if one doesn’t, then there is no problem gazing at the sun. Just to be relaxed is too not pay mind to one’s emotions. It was like a revelation. Then it becomes clearer what BeiYin said earlier, that I’m still not relaxed enough. Yes, one only needs to relax and then it’s not a problem. When I thought about it that last week I didn’t think I could do this, to finish the last few weeks, that the sun was feeling like my enemy, that it’s bright dagger was poking into my eye, causing me pain. And that it was all so emotional, that I wanted to quit. Then I could understand how some people quit when they are near 40 minutes, when the next day they just couldn’t look at the sun at all. It seems like this is the big challenge at approximately 40 minutes, because it comes down to listening to your emotions or drop it. With 40 minutes, the battle is just too long, compared to the other time frames. And it really forces you to let go if you want to continue. I am determined to stick with it and to practice letting go & relaxing. I know I’m still very much attached to my personality, when I see all the thought games/scenarios still going on in my head and how I provoke people with them, and how I direct my whole life through them, then I see how blind I still am. This is what becomes clearer this week, that there is still a lot of attachment to this OLD GAME. Interesting that I see it without anyone having to tell me about it. It seems like with all the clouds and there finally being sun, that my energy starts to come back after 2 good sessions with the sun. It’s like I picked up in the ‘growth’ where I left off, but in the interim it was just so-so. I would like to think this is the truth, that I am growing, and I can shed this old skin and just let go of this dream/fairy world. I see how I want things to be a certain way, because of my programs/beliefs and how I interpret other people in my scheme of things. Then I react out of this ‘map’ I have of everybody. I’m tired of this old game, really, and now I want to know how to let go of it for good. I see all these programs of late that I have from my personality, but don’t see any reason to write them all down. My journals are full of these repetitions. I would rather know how to get control over this, to drop this, to see clear – over and beyond my programming. I sense that only if one quits clinging on one’s emotional rocking / thinking, can one do this. But then the other day BeiYin said: Everything comes through the mind, that’s the problem. Yes, I guess I knew this, but somehow I think that one can go beyond it. But is it that one can only drop one’s identification with it? If one drops one’s identification with one’s mind, then one can observe the reactions/emotions and have freedom from reacting out of that state. And indeed I do this, but then I apparently don’t see myself within some larger context of ‘survival of the personality’. So on a micro scale I’m not reacting all the time or so much, but on a macro scale apparently I am, being influenced so much by my programming. I need to write something in this sense see if an answer can come from it.
March 6, 2004
Sungazing, right at sunrise, which these days is at 7:25. Good session, 43 minutes and two more at the end with hardly any problems. First half was hazy, but second half clear and I know it was strong. Too many distractions with the dogs and cats, but other than that, I felt strong with my ability to let go of my emotional reaction. That felt good. Today in conversation it looks clear that there is no ability to really work together on something. Everyone is happy to stay with his or her own reactions. That seems to be the bottom line. Nobody wants to talk with the other in a rational way and work to clear things up. More important is why this is so important to me. Well, I see it, it is the ‘dream’ that I’m protecting. I really want to let go of this alter-world and face up to reality and relate to it, instead of hanging on all these emotional things. I have a headache most of the time and hardly I have energy to do anything. I want to be healthy, to have that child-like zest for life again. I want to let go of all this emotional baggage.
March 7, 2004
Sungazing was okay this morning, for 43 minutes. I feel ready to move on to 44 next week. Really the difference between 43 and 44 isn’t much… What bothers me the most is a sense of failure that I didn’t wake up and there is only 1 week left. So then what other platform can be used if the one of the strongest methods doesn’t work? That is what bothers me. But I will give it my best shot and stay open to receive something. I know it is a process of surrendering, so I will do what I can to surrender.
March 19, 2004
Tomorrow is the first day of spring; I would like to go on a water fast. I need to do something, as I feel very agitated the last few days. I can’t finish my last week sungazing, as there is no sun.
March 24, 2004
The sungazing goes very slow because there is hardly any sunshine. I’m seriously considering a 7-day water fast. Never I’ve done this, and I just read the Essene Gospel of Peace from Jesus and it makes much sense that one must clean their body, to awaken… It seems appropriate to clean out all these toxins and also he says to take air, water and sunshine everyday, meaning also enemas, until the bowel water is clear. 7 days is not so long, I could make this my last week sungazing. I know I need to do something more and this seems like it would be worth it. Jesus said you are relaxed enough when you can gaze at the sun when it’s the highest in the sky without blinking. Also that you are what you eat, if you eat dead stuff then your body is dead. It makes so much sense. I would like to learn to make the Essene bread out of sprouted wheat. Also that one shouldn’t use heat or air conditioners, to change one’s body temperature. This makes sense in that one can get used to the normal temperature and regulate if one allows it. Once one is used to artificial heating and cooling then it’s hard to take the natural setting. One’s body learns to adjust…
March 25, 2004
I started the water fast. Today was very cold and rainy, no sungazing, mostly I slept the day away. I have a very bad headache, probably from caffeine withdrawal. Then my period started so also menstrual cramps. Oh yeah. Just like on the 1 st of January when I started the last fast. I suppose it’s not coincidental… I did 4 liters of water. The whole day has been difficult, food pangs hitting at certain times, especially the thoughts of junk food: something salty and crunchy like potato chips or sunflower seeds. I also saw the fresh spring asparagus growing and almost reached and took it to eat. I stopped myself before. I ate a few flowers from the Rosemary bush this morning walking and wasn’t sure if I should or not. I think it was okay, as I don’t think it has hardly any caloric value. After the morning I made herbal teas and have been drinking them. It’s too cold to consider fresh water from the tap. I wanted something warm. Now I have a fire and it’s much better. This is only for 7 days, and now 1 day is gone, probably one of the hardest days. The other days I hope I feel better to at least be outside, busy and doing something. It’s too boring and long to sit in my room, sleeping and doing little. I prefer to be outside, so I hope there is sunshine.
March 26, 2004
Water fast continues. At least the headache is gone, but now my joints hurt and also in my back on my right. The period cramps are stronger than ever and I’m bleeding heavy, just like last time when I fasted with my period. Yesterday went on forever, I tried to stay busy outside and to keep away from thinking and focusing on not eating, but it was hard.
March 27, 2004
This morning I felt so weak, so then I made a decaf coffee with milk and honey. That was really, really nice. I walked today, solo, no dogs wanted to go. Even I didn’t, but I wanted to see how it really felt, because my legs feel very heavy. It was an effort, I was stumbling on little things in the path and when I went up the hill then I noticed my heartbeat was really strong. I had to stop and breath until it calmed down before I could move again. When I got back I decided to make tea with some honey for a little energy, I really feel like I can’t do anything. But maybe this is a mistake then, maybe when one feels like this it’s better to rest then to force on with calories? There was sungazing this morning for around 15 minutes. I have 29 to do this evening, might be sun. I really enjoyed what there was of it. Then I went to meditation dome and finished there, also a nice meditation until I got too tired. The fasting reminds me very much of when the sungazing is difficult, you are forced to make a decision to identify with yourself or not. It looks like the only way to complete a period of water fasting is to surrender and just watch, to stay identified is too difficult and one probably will fail. Same as in sungazing, one has to surrender. Interesting that this comes in just the first few days, this intensity… So I suspect any ‘food’ items, honey, whatever, slow down the intensity, just like a hat shading one’s eyes… Hahaha…
March 28, 2004
A really long day yesterday. I was really identified with my suffering and wanting food, also I felt very weak and so decided to have honey in my tea maybe 4 times. I guess it’s okay to do that, I don’t feel bad that it was ‘food’. I slept after meditation last night and just now wake up and feel refreshed, not tired. No headache, not much body pain. I need guidance for surrender to let go totally. How to let go and just be? Answer: There is no need to fight and struggle, or make a big effort. Just relax and be. Things are happening, the world is moving. God is doing things. They happen of their own accord. No need to struggle just relax and be.
March 31, 2004
Well, it’s the last day. Look’s like I’m going to make it. Most days I had some tea with honey. So maybe 2 or 3 T of honey each day and/or cappuccino. So I’ve always had some calories each day, not a pure fast, also because it was so cold, rainy and without sunshine, so I drank more hot liquids, flavored teas. I guess I’ll have to try this again in the future with only water. There have been many healing reactions and hardly I have had one day that I felt good. I think day 5 was good. The next few days I transition with juices, really just anticipating some food now… I’m not sure I can finish the day out, really. I have like 0 energy today and just want food. My weight this morning was 55kg, so I’ve lost 5 kilo, which is quite a bit for 7 days. There were some really nice moments of clarity and just feeling light on day 5, of really hearing everything and seeing all different as in the ‘3d movie view’. I haven’t felt that in a long time, and I realize I like it very much and would like to go back to this as much as possible. I want to wake up.
Conclusion: While I don’t have any entry in my journal to announce it, I did finish the sun gazing that last week of fasting and continued on with it as I felt I needed it, for more than a year. Because the last month had so many cloudy days I decided to do 44 minutes each day for a month more. This was easy to do and I grew to look forward to sungazing and had no problem any more with extended periods of gazing. I have not sungazed again since my kundalini awakening which happening in early 2006 after I started with Reiki self-healing. My energy level is quite high now and I feel i don’t need it. I have published a testimonial of my kundalini awakening called Our Light Body, which can be read online for free.
When I was making this page I realized how beautiful Spain and the community of FalconBlanco are and how lucky I was to live there and do the sungazing. This was one of my most precious life experiences. Thank you BeiYin, Laura & FalconBlanco and all the animals for allowing me to be there.
June 19, 2007