The first time I saw my true self and realized I AM, it seemed to be at the level in my mind, and happened the first time I let go of identity with being the thinker. Then passed about 7 years, where I worked with meditation and self-inquiry to let go of all the ways I still identified with myself with mental tricks. Eventually I saw that the mind could never ‘know’ anything, and then let go of identity with the mind.
After that I saw my self again as I AM but this time it was like the the I AM arose at the level of emotional or vibrational energy. I became aware of how I provoked the external world to make myself feel alive. Then I understood it was now a matter of not focusing my energy that way, as in ‘mood making’. By stopping doing this, it was a big energy conservation and soon after that kundalini awakening happened and then I understood that there was nothing I could do in terms of ‘trying to make it happen’. Healing happened when ‘I’ got out of the way, it happened by me setting aside time to do nothing.
Then there passed another 7 years, where i practiced doing nothing in two ways, one by letting go of identity with my mind as in meditation and the other by letting go of identity with my body as in spontaneous movement meditation, letting my being heal or move me. I did these practices as much as I could in those 7 years, about 20,000 hours of it.
Then a week ago after having read a book (reference below, highly recommended) that cleared up what it meant that I did not exist and while doing my spontaneous movement meditation, I saw the I AM again. This time when it arose in my body, it felt like a skeleton coming to life with such a feeling I cannot describe it. I AM that? was shocking to say the least.
After that the vibration in my body has skyrocketed again and now it feels like I am incubating or in a strong growing state with a fine soft light sparking all over the body which mostly feels blissful. It is like lying in a boat on a lake with gentle ripples with a rocking feeling and vibration fills my body when resting. It feels like everything in my body is healing at once as one whole. But then last night suddenly I started to feel a very strong back ache in an area on the spine and I had not done anything during day to hurt it. It was a very strong dull aching pain that moved around up and down the spine all through the night provoking the need to stretch and twist my body with it, but this I did not want. I got up three times in the night, but never did I bother to let go of body control and do a stretching session which I know would have relieved this pain.
As I laid there with the pain, I thought, yeah, it is like when you are pregnant and the time comes for the baby to be born, but you say NOT NOW! But then the forces increase and the pain becomes too strong and you have to surrender and allow the birth. Of course you can have an easy birth or a hard birth, it depends upon how much you resist the energy. After that thought, I tested it out, seeing my own resistance was causing the pain and detached and indeed the pain went away. But still I didn’t want this to happen now, I wanted to sleep, so I suffered through the entire night preferring MY WAY.
Well, that experience clearly showed my attachment to wanting to be in control! This happening is exactly what I have been working for for so long and what I wanted, but now that it is here I do not embrace it fully. Well I do know one thing for sure, the more I resist the stronger the pain will become which will force me to let go. Hopefully, I can find a softer way to move towards the final and fourth I AM announcement, but I will fully embrace it however it happens…
It appears to me after having had these experiences this is the natural progression that makes sense with growing self-realization level and expansion of the ONE into the body. You let go of attachment to the main levels of energy form in the body, which starts with the layers of energy that use less energy or are less dense. Attachment to mind takes less energy to maintain than attachment to vibrational or emotional energy, and attachment to body uses the most energy. So with each attachment level you drop, you gain energy by dropping it and then can work on dropping attachment to the next level which needs more energy to be able to drop it.
I am working on making my meditation more efficient and the following seems to be the way to do it, which becomes clear to me seeing the three I AM risings and after reading the book.
1st. start your meditation, by witnessing, say by watching the breath, your stress releases and then the mind calms and the thoughts settle. You vibration increases, your awareness level rises.
2nd. After that take it deeper, by letting go of controlling your breathing. When you can do that then you will observe breathing happening by itself, which is known as embryonic breathing. This will rise energy significantly allowing the next step.
3rd. After that take it deeper, by letting go of energetic sensation of having a body, which we are always clinging to as ourself. It sort of feels like going out of body when you detach with identity of the body, but not so far away, it is like you are very near the body. When you are doing it correctly, your senses take on an expanded feeling, like being able to hear everything all at once and from farther away than usual.
BOOK REFERENCE: The Little Book Of Hercules by William Bodri
I highly recommend to this book to all spiritual seekers and especially those with awakened kundalini. The book is an eye-opener, very creative, and you should read EVERY WORD in it, to get that result. It is extremely informative, the most advanced information I have come across to date. I can verify what is said is good advice and it is truth, as far as my own journey and what i have discovered is truth that is.
Betsy
October 17, 2013
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