Too Young to Die ?
Yesterday, I felt compelled to write an article entitled: Ascension & Autoimmune disorder to help other people. I stayed up late to get it written. After I wrote it and from messages that came across my Facebook page yesterday, I had the sinking feeling I had the problem I was writing about. Today, there is no doubt this is the case. I have a Death Wish and it is a self-fulfilling prophesy, one will get some form of autoimmune disorder (our own immune system attacking oneself) when one does not love oneself. It was really helpful for me to review all the things I had observed about my teacher BeiYin, how he behaved, what is mission was and what he loved and him getting Fibromyalgia. After I reviewed all those things he went through, I realized I had the same disease he had.
I did a review of all the things I am selecting and responding to in Facebook.
I wrote: “I don’t want any child to have to be raised in a society that always feels ‘war’. A woman innately wants to nurture and save lives, she is the peacemaker and when you don’t get that yourself and you see such a happy face like this child then you only want that for every child, so nobody has to suffer the pain that you did when you grew up. It then motivates me to give up fully, to surrender my own life – I would be ready to die for this cause.”
Yes, i wrote that: “I am fully ready to surrender my own life and would die for this cause.” It was the same way BeiYin felt with his mission to help others awaken.
The next thing that appeared was Running Elk Cliff’s post that his dear dog Princess had passed away and he posted a picture of her. She looked like the same breed of dog that I have. My heart really went out to him for his loss, because I put all my love into my dog, she is my closest companion on the earth. I feel I would want to die if I lost her.
It was the same way that BeiYin felt about his horse Caobo.
Then yesterday, posts popping up with the same message, one was from Joseph John:
I wondered why are these messages popping up, I do not feel lonely, I like myself. But then the questions started, that it was something I needed to look closer at.
I behave alot like BeiYin did back before he healed himself. For the last 15 years, my number one priority has been self-realization, I have sacrified much of my life for this cause and I definitely go to extreme with it. I have few friends, no community and little means to support myself, but the rewards I get from increasing awareness and having the notion that if I can fully awaken then this is the most I can do to help other people. I notice what always happens to my behavior, when I get in a ‘peak experience’ state, I stop taking care of myself. It is like I go into a frenzy and the only thing I want to do is meditate and write articles and everything else goes to the wayside. It is very hard to get my normal daily activities done, and often I think it would be great if someone could come over here and help me out, cook me a meal, help me plant my garden, walk my dog or even give me a foot rub. Actually to some degree this happens nearly every day, it just gets more extreme when I’m in high vibration. So here are the things I identify in myself that show me I put myself last.
- I do not take showers as often as I should.
- I don’t take the time to cook myself a wonderful meal, I cook a big pot of something and eat it for 5 days.
- I do not wear clothing that makes me look better, nothing artistic in it, I just wear what is practical and often it is well worn.
- I buy the cheapest nutrient poor produce because I feel I don’t have enough money, I rarely buy really high quality food.
- I have the space to put in as large a garden as I would like, for organic produce, but this year I barely am able to get it started.
- I haven’t cleaned my house in 3 months, only the minimum in sinks and bathroom, the dust level is getting very thick. I keep it orderly, but I know the dust is not good to breathe in.
- I haven’t been to a dentist or a doctor for checkups in about 20 years.
- I spend more time taking care of other people or my pets than I do myself.
- I am extremely frugal, I rarely buy anything I might like for myself.
- I am stingy with my time, I rarely accept invitations or go out and socialize.
- I don’t watch movies or do hardly any form of frivolous entertainment
- I find myself wanting to find a partner to get love, help with chores and to share my meals with.
- When I see some being is hurting and needs help, I give will freely use my time to help them, but I not for myself.
The reality is that I don’t pamper myself at all, the most important is my mission to ‘save others’ but not myself.
I really had the illusion that I took good care of myself and felt fortunate to have all the abundance I do have in life and did not feel lonely. But when I look very near to myself and see how I react, I can see this is a big lie I tell myself.
Now comes the big confession, which I don’t want to write down because I have much guilt about it:
“My profession is healer and I am a smoker.”
I can tell other people how to quit smoking but cannot do it myself. It has been my “Achilles Heel” all these years. I have tried many times to quit smoking but it has never stuck. One of big excuses is that I feel with my vibration being so high and having a spontaneous healing going on, is that everything will be healed so I do not have to worry about what damage it might be causing. My other big excuse to not quit, is I will quit when I am enlightened, then it will be easy. I don’t want to look at the reality of the damage this is causing. For nearly a year I have congestion in my lungs with wheezing and pain in my chest and much phlegm with coughing. I did get the flu last winter and I was very afraid of geting it, seeing the weakness in my lungs and feeling it could kill me. I also worry when I see how influenza strains are getting stronger and spreading more widely and having high mortality rates. I’ve never had the congestion like this last so long and I feel I have cancer in the lungs. For sure, I know there is an inflammation going on that is damaging my lungs as long as it does not clear up. What I see is even being in a profound healing state with high awareness level, this ‘cancer’ is not going away. I don’t want to go to a doctor, partly because I do not want to know the reality. Then there comes another layer of worry, will I be able to complete the full transformation in time before I kill myself from lung cancer?
Not so long ago, I met someone and felt the ‘love spark’ get lit from the encounter. I fell into an infatuation state which took some time to fizzle out and then settle back down into reality, realizing this was just another illusion of trying to find one’s soul-mate in the form of seeking love in the outside that one so desperately wants. While in that ‘love spell’, I really felt I could now easily quit smoking. Why? Because I thought they love me and I knowing how love truly feels, then I would not want to hurt them by losing my own life. The pain of losing something you love I knew what felt like after tasting ‘love’ and if you love someone you don’t want them to suffer that loss. I could see it clear, I could quit smoking if someone loved me that much. I would do anything not to hurt them, because I loved them. But after the illusion faded, I was sad because now I didn’t have a strong reason to quit smoking anymore. I thought about it then, could I quit smoking for myself, because I loved myself? No, that did not hit home with me and so I continued smoking.
Now I see the reality of this situation, that in fact I do not love myself and I have a self-fulfilling death wish which is obvious from my behavior. If I truly loved myself, I would not smoke and would take care of myself as if I were a Royal Highness and the most important Love of my life — it is that simple. I would give myself everything I need that makes me happy and healthy. The other thing is clear is that I can not enlighten if I can’t love myself unconditionally and be willing to make whatever changes I need to do that. So then the next question, was how in the hell am I going to love myself? How do I do that? I looked at myself in the mirror and tried kissing myself, saying I love you, but I didn’t feel that ‘love spark’ like I did with that other person. But I saw, that is what I need to eventually connect with, that ‘love spark’ surely is there inside myself – I just need to come home to myself to find it.
I made a clear decision today that I will quit smoking and I am doing it as the first step to start loving myself because I’m worth it — not for any other reason. I will also be much more alert on how I allocate my time in the day to be sure I give love to myself and treat myself better and don’t expend all my energy on helping others. I will pamper myself more and give myself the things I like. To get things started, I spent several hours this morning dolling myself up and doing a photo shoot, saying “I Love You” to myself while I took the photos. I’m just trying to drill it in at this point, because really I have no idea how to ‘love myself’, but I feel it is definitely a step in the right direction and one that is long overdue.
I LOVE YOU!
June 11, 2015