Who Am I?
It is a question I have been asking much lately.
I’ve been thinking about all the hours I’ve spent in meditation and self-inquiry work over the last 14 years, and realize today that is how long it took to heal my current lifetime. About a month ago I had another awakening and the history of my DNA or past lives came into awareness again just like it did at the beginning when I had my first awakening. This happening itself is a strange thing. One day you feel normal living your life with your given name and suddenly you become aware of a history you never knew was there. It is like instantly you are aware of other names you’ve had and now feel you understand your purpose for being here. I theorize it is a normal reaction after this happening to feel some megalomania for awhile and to feel special, or that you have a significant role to do to help others awaken. Well, okay, we are all special and we all have something unique to offer the world, but when we are still identified with our created self, we can certainly take off into the wrong direction with this notion.
It is an odd thing. You work so hard on self-realization for many years, even lifetimes and then when you awaken you can lose all the work you’ve done just by making the wrong decision at this critical juncture. With hindsight, I can see that I have worked through the main steps of ‘going beyond’ identification with my created self from this lifetime.
When you first awaken, then the window of the memories of your past lives open, and you become aware of your role in the story of life and also are given the information you need to complete the self-realization process. You do all the steps, like a healing in reverse order of how your personality was laid down, you remove each layer one by one, until you again reach the core: the seed that is yourself. Then again the past lives open, but this time stronger and much more clearly, because that is basically what is left. It is like now you can see everything that has kept you in identity as a separated self.
It is interesting that one of the steps of healing the current lifetime is when we go beyond our mind or knowing, when we realize that ‘our story’ which is created by our talking to ourselves is just that, it is only a story or interpretation and can never match reality. When you make the first hand observation that no truth comes from this story-teller, then you stop listening to the story-teller, and quit driving your energy or actions in life through that dream. Another thing you realize about this step is that after completing it, you quit walking in circles in your life. You see what was driving you, the story-telling habit itself that kept you making the same kinds of decisions over and over, which were based in your early learning experiences on the emotional level from infancy. The early learning experiences come from infancy and our interactions with males and females in our life. They lessons are all a kind of defensive system that we build, where we try to compensate for the fact that we are alone and have the desire to reconnect with our creator or find unconditional or pure love. Of course we never get that unconditional love we need in the pure form from our parents, so there is always a lack. That lack is what motivates us to find that pure love, which can be described as the spiritual quest. To repeat, once you get past this step, then you feel quite good, because you no longer make choices about career, or relationships that are based on this lack. You truly feel like you’ve quit walking in circles, now that you see what was driving you to do so.
Then along comes what seems to be the end of the spiritual quest, and the past lives appear again. I’ve been thinking about what this can mean quite a bit over the last weeks and now understand this is the main influence that causes us to walk in circles. It is our role, our story, our uniqueness that keeps us in the program or identity with our created self. This is truly a hard thing to go beyond; at least it is for me. Because there is so much time, energy and pain invested in coming this far to reach the end and then to understand you have to let it all go in order to realize what you’ve been working for. When the past lives open, there is this conflict that comes that is hard to resolve.
One part of myself feels responsible, with a strong urge to go out and tell everyone, hey, the time is here *right now*, please do your prayer and mediation now, lets get going and to become the evangelist. Another part of feeling responsible is to want to determine the beginning and end of the awakening process for humanity as a whole. How much time to we have left is a big concern, as well what is happening now, where are we at. Another part is all about vanity, about knowing more about your past, your role, your part in this unfolding. This is a tricky part, because you are still in identity with the role that got you to this point, therefore every piece of information you will find that you think confirms ‘your story’, will actually be an illusion or the story-telling seeing what you want to see to give validation for yourself. All is vanity, takes on a new dimension of meaning!
Then I think of several other things. As far as I understand it there is only ONE creator, and that creator has created all of us, and together we make up that ONE. Then what is awakening? We realize we are the ONE creator that infact there is no separate individual; rather we are all part of the ONE whole. Another thing if there is only ONE creator, then there can only be ONE true story, and all the other individual stories are just parts of the ONE story. Thinking more it is also possible that in the ONE story, it is likely there are some key roles that some people will bear as part of our awakening, but really that no role is better than any other role, even the smallest roles. A role is a role is a role, and in the grand scheme of things, all roles make up the whole, thus all are just as important. Then I think, well it would be silly of the creator to only assign a certain key role to just one individual, why put all of your eggs into one basket? When we look around at nature it is clear to see, that we survive because of the variety and sheer numbers that any kind of species produces. Thus I supine, that the role I see that I have the potential to contribute to our awakening, is only that, a potential and I have no doubt there are plenty more like me that could do the exact same role in the event that one or more of us fail to be able to do it.
Now here comes the critical part. What is the best way to contribute your potential to the awakening of our family as ONE whole? It now seems obvious, that the only way you actually can have any ‘positive’ effect at all is to drop identification with ‘your precious role’ and go beyond being anyone in particular. It can be so hard to drop your role, because you think if I drop it then who would play this part that seems I am perfectly made for it? Thus you have the choice between responsibility and freedom. The irony is when you feel responsible and actually stay in the role; you are actually working against our awakening process itself. When you choose freedom, to drop the role-playing, then this is what in the end helps everyone to go beyond identification with their created aspect. Another thing that comes up with feeling responsible is a strong desire to get as much information as possible, so you can help others, to be informed so you can then guide others. But this too, is just part of the role, doing these kinds of activities infact expands your mind which is only reinforcing your created or fake aspect. Think about it. If you choose freedom, to let go of your role, then you have the true possibility to go beyond and join or merge with the ONE creator, who knows the entire story and has eyes into everything that is unfolding as it unfolds and can see into the consciousness of every one of its children. Then what use is information at this point, when you understand that you could spend 5,000 more lifetimes getting all the information, and it would only be a drop in the bucket as compared to what is possible when you simply choose: Freedom.
In the last weeks I’ve been looking at creation stories and also visiting various discussion groups and websites and it occurs to me the startling fact that nobody is awake! Yes, there are some with higher level of realization as far as healing the ‘current lifetime’, but somebody who has went all the way, and given up their entire life to gain life? Okay, I must admit I don’t have eyes all over the world, so if somebody actually happens to know someone like this that is living, I would certainly like contact information. What I am looking for is someone who is not pushing any kind of religion and has not given themselves another name coming from past deities or enlightened sages. When I was born I was given the name Mary Elizabeth. A few days later a man came and asked what my name was and my mother told him, then he said: “Oh, this is Betsy!” Well, that nickname stuck from the time I was born and thinking about the situation today I think this is an excellent name and I choose to keep it!
I tend to think that in order for humanity to really awaken, somebody needs to take this step, to get us all the chance to stop being like actors in a grand play like we have been doing since the beginning when this story started. But also I feel this can be done by anybody, who really is ready to let go of their role. I start to understand a deeper aspect of the awakening process and the roles we have had. The ones that will truly awaken will drop their roles and the one’s that will not awaken will not drop their roles. So you see, if you drop your role, there will be another (actually plenty of others), that will be willing to step in and take on your role. That is exactly what you want to have happen! Don’t take the role, let someone else have it! The truth is you don’t need it; freedom is much better and wiser too.
There was something else, but I will save it for another day.
December 4, 2013 – 4:54 pm