The Doubting Betsy
September 5, 2016: It’s Labor Day and it has been a period of being filled with doubts that I am aware and that a shift is happening to my consciousness. I don’t know what it is that I could possibly not know at this time. I realize there is nothing I can do, as there is no doer or separate self. I realize any notion I can do something or trying to do something will only reinforce the notion there is a self. I feel like I am in quite the dilemma. To get some inspiration, I reviewed the latest posts, comments and testimonies in the Exploding Rainbows discussion group.
The first thing I looked at were the personal testimonies of members whom had been through the shift. I wanted to compare my own experience with theirs, to know if I was shifting or not. As going through the shift, seems to be the only validation I can get that I have indeed let go.
“If there is no such things as things … what does that say about the holder of things? Everything started to spin and I could not find my center.”, “I don’t remember much after I let go and slipped into the swirling.”, “There was no doubt and nowhere for doubt to arise. The search had come to a full stop. I don’t remember much after I let go and slipped into the swirling. Whatever happened disappeared beyond the edge of where memory has anything to hold. I do know that it was a wrenching, tearing, rendering … bloodiness …. and once it had began there was no way to turn back.” – Michael Markham.
…. Background: A woman told a dramatic story of something that happened to her in a group…. “When she finished, Eli, with his warm brown eyes, looked at hear (he seemed to know her) and uttered one word, “Boooring”. In just a few moments, the group began to laugh. I think she did too. But, it was that simple word that tore my world and my story apart. As I like to put it, indelicately, the bottom simply dropped out of the outhouse. My story and the self it is, simply disappeared. The emptiness ensued… I was rendered dumb… The attempt to give substance to a shadow was shown for the folly it is. After this there was no immediate integration with all that is. There was no instant bliss.” – William
I also read Nancy Neithercut‘s story which is excellent testimony as well, for now I just have this that she wrote me in PM:
“It feels like yer skin being removed
Like being eviscerated
Except underneath There’s not even nothing there
You exist only as the costume.” – Nancy N.
These shared stories did not give me validation that I was experiencing the shift, so then the next question is what am I still holding onto? And I looked at the comments in the group since I was last there an these stood out for me. I am not sure who to credit these comments to, as I just copied them. Probably most are from Nancy, Michael and William.
“Seekers are defined by the belief that there is a door, that is not part of their own dream that they can pass through.”
“I wrote a comment that when Dolano was asked if she had any regrets from this lifetime that she replied; “That I didn’t awaken sooner.” to which Nancy replied: “If she believes she has awoken, that explains that. LOL.”
Michael: “It’s easy to spot a fake miracle.”
Nancy: “The self becomes defined by the belief that it doesn’t actually exist, and mistakes that for enlightenment. And turns the flame to low … and cooks.”
“This is not an easy thing that listening to a teacher it suddenly clicks in your mind, not like that … There is a nuclear explosion that needs to take place in the body that burns all conditioning, all beliefs ….” – UG Krishnamurti
“Like a switch in polarity, what was outside is now inside. A reversal of the magnetic fields.”
Nancy: “The only thing that prevents this from being seen, is the belief that there is a You separate from it, that can do something to see this. There is no distance between you and what is going on. There is no path to unicity, it is an imaginary distance that All trying will simply forever keep cutting in 1/2, in 1/2, in 1/2 …. It may occur to you suddenly, all you have ever done has never brought you one bit closer to that which you long for so much. ”
Nancy: “Often when there is a glimpse of the essential emptiness of self, there is a rush to fill in the empty spot as in mathematics with a zero and it seems to prevent the entire structure from collapsing.”
Reading these comments felt like getting hit in the stomach, especially the last one because I don’t sense that this structure is collapsing. I have not let go. I also did a tarot reading asking for clarity, which told me the same thing as well gave some guidance on how to proceed. I’ve always had it in the back of my mind, that I need to do some extended meditation to trigger the shift, so thought I should at least give it a good try and see what is the effect…
First Idea: From the tarot reading, I had the idea to be more receptive, like feminine and feeling the energy, to sink into the swirling feeling. To keep my mind focused to just internal gazing and to not do any mind-chatter. To test that out, I did a 4 hour meditation, sinking into the vibration, going very deep like I always do. There was much pain in the body at different times, I can’t remember where – I could easily distance from those sensations. Later in the day, I did another 1.5 hour mediation lying down. I went very deep feeling the smothering of breath sensation several times, staying with it in relaxed state and several times feeling I switched viewpoint where internal view is like the galaxy and one is body-less and feeling no separation.
What this told me is that there is a choice and the swirling energy self is the real me, so I have to nurture that as much as possible. But this seems a contrary notion, like I am doing something – although I don’t do anything except set my focus and intention and let the energy run. My meditation is a non-doing at this point. The last thought for the day was recalling a part of one of Rumi’s poems:
Don’t go to sleep
one night is worth
a hundred thousand souls
September 6, 2016